[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Sure to be first Democratic president to secure NRA support with these new proposals – which have liberals up in arms, so to speak.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Obama administration today announced a shift in several key policy positions in order to secure NRA support, without which, they acknowledge, nothing gets done in Washington. Specifically, they are calling for enactment of the following three bills:
ACA: In order to reduce the cost of providing health care to survivors of muggings and mass shootings, as of Jan. 1, 2015, President Obama wants all citizens over the age of six to be required to own a handgun, which must be carried on their person at all times. In addition, in 2015 and beyond, only hollow-point bullets can be legally sold to ensure criminals wounded in the course of committing a crime will die quickly and not further burden the health care system.
These requirements, Obama explained, will make criminals think twice about pulling out their heat, especially in crowded theaters and elementary schoolrooms, knowing everyone around them is also packing. People who fail to meet this deadline will be assessed an annual $10,000 health fee to keep them from freeloading on the backs of law-respecting gun toters.
Immigration: In an effort to encourage more illegal aliens to self-deport, upon leaving the US soil, each émigré to a country south of the border will receive a fully loaded AK 47, which they will be instructed on how to use in case of attack by drug kingpins or starving farmers.
Those “Spanish-jabbering leeches” (as Obama termed them) who choose not to leave will be offered a 20-year path to citizenship, during which they must volunteer monthly as human targets at either a local National Guard base or certified militia group camp. Certifications will be awarded by the NRA to organizations based on their average member’s tattoo-to-teeth ratio: the higher the better.
Minimum Wage: Recognizing the anti-free-market bias of minimum wage requirements, all current wage laws will be declared illegal, and instead the Labor Dept. will be instructed to politely ask businesses to pay all their workers a living wage…or as close as they can afford.
Those that do will be eligible to purchase from the Army, at mark-downed prices starting as low as $10.10, military surplus weaponry, including 50 caliber semi-automatic rifles, grenade launchers, shoulder-launched multipurpose assault weapons (SMAWs) and armored scout cars. All purchases will include shipping and aiming instructions. Liquor stores and gas station convenience marts will receive additional discounts on mace and bayonets for close combat.
President Obama has asked the House and Senate to fast-track these three bills so that they could hit his desk for signature on or before April 1st.
Mitch McConnell reflexively came out against all three Obama initiatives, then reversed himself six minutes later upon learning of the NRA’s enthusiastic endorsement.
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