[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Cute and innocent: Those were the days, my friend. Just for fun, let’s compare some Miley Cyrus quotes from back in the day with what she’s saying now.
My, oh my, have times changed. Just a scant three years ago, Miley Cyrus quit the Disney Channel, and her role as Hannah Montana, to become America’s most-watched sex kitten. Talk about your quick-change artists.
We thought it would be fun to look back at some of Miley’s quotes, many made during her Hannah Montana years, and update them with more recent quotes, to give you a peep show of what the all-grown-up child star is saying these days:
MC Then: My mom is always telling me it takes a long time to get to the top, but a short time to get to the bottom.
MC Now: Well, I’ve been on the bottom, and I’ve been on the top, and I gotta tell you, I definitely like being on top better.
MC Then: I’ve got high standards when it comes to boys. As my dad says, all girls should! I’m from the South — Tennessee, to be exact — and down there, we’re all about southern hospitality. I know that if I like a guy, he better be nice, and above all, my dad has to approve of him!
MC Now: I still have high standards. I get high as often as I can.
MC Then: I don’t want to be perfect, but I do want to be a role model. My mom always tells me that imperfections equal beauty. All of us are imperfect.
MC Now: Do you realize how many 13-year olds are twerking to my songs right now?
MC Then: I need more friends. It’s kind of like my quest right now just to have more true friends.
MC Now: My quest now is to get rid of the people who passed themselves off as true friends while stabbing me in the back. Hateful bitches. Where’s Paris Hilton when you need her?
MC Then: There are so many people that have come up to me during our shows and tell me: ‘The hour that we are watching your show is the hour that my kids are happiest and are smiling, they are laughing,’ and that is what I long to do.
MC Now: There are so many married women that have come up to me during my show and tell me: “Miley Cyrus, see that big, fat balding guy over there? He’s my husband and you’re turning him on. Stop it!”
MC Then: I always say the minute I stop making mistakes is the minute I stop learning and I’ve definitely learned a lot.
MC Now: I’ve learned that pot mellows me out, and ecstasy makes me horny. Life is one big learning curve.
MC Then: The only people that you really have, that I learned, are your family, because they love you no matter what.
MC Now: Except maybe Aunt Martha and Uncle Don. They haven’t been around to see mommy and daddy and me since I started touching myself in public.
MC Then: I’m kind of bipolar in my acting choices because I just want to do a little bit of everything.
MC Now: I’m kind of bi-sexual, and want to do a little bit of everyone.
MC Then: If I could get any animal it would be a dolphin. I want one so bad. Me and my mom went swimming with dolphins and I was like, ‘How do we get one of those?’ and she was like, ‘You can’t get a dolphin. What are you gonna do, like, put it in your pool?’
MC Now: Hey mom, like, I think Flipper needs a bigger pool.
MC Then: I love to sleep. I’d sleep all day if I could.
MC Now: I finally figured out what sleep means, and I still love to do it all day. Doesn’t matter. Boy girl, girl boy, boy, boy, girl, girl, boy, girl, inanimate objects shaped like wieners…
MC Then: I told my mom, ‘I’m not buying another magazine until I can get past this thought of looking like the girl on the cover.’ She said, “Miley Cyrus, you are the girl on the cover,’ and I was, like, ‘I know, but I don’t feel like that girl every day.’ You can’t always feel perfect.
MC Now: Look mom! I’m on the cover of Hustler!
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