[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Physicists agree the “bobblehead man” theory is the best explanation so far.
David McKenney of Huntingdon, England is in the hospital today, after, for no explicable reason, he started shaking violently, lifted off the ground, and slammed into a crowd of people, injuring dozens. Four were injured badly enough to warrant a ride to the hospital as well, in this strange occurrence, now being called the “Bobblehead Man Case.”
McKenney was attending the 20th annual Cambridge Science Festival with his wife and three children when, he says, he began to feel a trembling in his shoulders. Within 20 seconds, his entire body began to vibrate, sending him upwards and outwards into the crowd with little warning.
“I didn’t know what to think,” said Shirley Tremborne-Davis of Peterborough. “Damndest thing I ever saw.”
At this time, all injured, including the human projectile, McKenney himself, were said to be in stable condition. Several others in the crowd were treated on the scene with various minor injuries including contusions, cuts and scrapes.
Physicists on hand at the event were asked if they had any idea how this man could have possibly attained such a level of vibration as to actually become airborne. One had a theory he was eager to share.
Dwayne “Donny” Brentson, the student physicist working on the thin blue line equation, said he had a hypothesis that he was working on. “It’s called the bobblehead theory,” he said.
“Mr. McKenney is a large man, and his head is abnormally large in comparison to his body. My theory is that someone possibly nudged McKenney in order to slide in front of him to get a closer look at my experiment, and this caused a small tremor in McKenney’s body. His head then began to bobble side to side, setting off the ‘bobblehead’ effect.
“The shudder became a vibration, upsetting the equilibrium in McKenney’s body, and, instead of slowly equalizing itself, the vibrations became more violent, sending McKenney upward and into the crowd.”
The other physicists agreed this new bobblehead theory was the most logical explanation for the occurrence. They also said that, while rare, there have been more and more incidents of this nature lately.
While they cannot say what is causing this shift in equilibrium, they were all in agreement that it could possibly have something to do with the fast food industry.
“What is interesting,” said John Fittlesworth, a physics student at Cambridge, “is that not only are people’s bodies getting larger due to an increased appetite for cheap, fast food, but in some, it is also causing an increase in the circumference of the head. It’s a bit ironic that these same fast food joints are giving away bobbleheads now.”
While the students showed concern for the injured, they were outwardly enthused at the prospect of re-creating the bobblehead spectacle again in controlled experiments for next year’s Science Festival.
Fittlesworth says their excitement stems from the fact that they could very well be on the threshold of finally explaining Einstein’s Theory of Gravity as a distortion in the shape of space-time.
“Mr. McKenney could very well have experienced a shift into the fourth dimension,” said Fittlesworth, “and we can’t wait to see what else this man is capable of.”
No exhibits were cancelled at the Science Festival, and it is hopeful that it will wind up Sunday without further incident.
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