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Congress to Dispense with Pretense, Transition to Wholly-Owned Corporate Subsidiary

Apr 042014
 By , April 4, 2014

In an effort to be more transparent, corporate-owner logos will now be worn in Congress, NASCAR-style.

WASHINGTON, DC – Speaker of the House John Boehner announced today that Congress would be transitioning into its “now obviously apparent role” as a wholly-owned corporate subsidiary. He encouraged congressional members and staff to begin “proudly displaying” corporate logos of their election sponsors on their suits, in a NASCAR-like fashion.

Boehner Congress Corporate Subsidiary

The new look “instills a sense of pride and purpose” in congress members, said Speaker Boehner.

“It’s an extraordinary new agreement we’ve managed to work out with corporate America,” said Boehner in a press conference, backed by Sheldon Adelson and Charles and David Koch. “The people demand transparency, and this will make it obvious who owns which congress members.”

“It’s a big win for the American people,” he continued, tears welling up in his eyes, “who have been rightfully demanding transparency.”

While the House goes all-out with the new look, many senators say it’s beneath the dignity of their chamber.

“We don’t wear our hearts or our corporate allegiances on our sleeves,” said Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA). “We like to be more subtle about it. So, we’ll be wearing smaller, more dignified logos on multiple lapel pins.”

“But our business friends know that when it comes to real action — and not just symbolic gestures — we will pass the bills just as they submit them to us. After all, it’s the American way. For the last few decades, at least,” she said.

Since the Supreme Court doubled-down on the 2010 Citizens United ruling with the recent McCutcheon v. FEC decision, corporations and even just plain super-rich people can spend as much as they want on elections.

“So we can finally dispense with the pretense,” said Feinstein. “We’ve always known who’s boss, and now we don’t have to hide it anymore, thanks to the Supreme Five™ — owned and operated by Koch Industries.”

Sheldon Adelson welcomed the new development, saying, “Candidates for Congress should always display their colors, in appreciation for those of us who contribute billions of our own ‘free speech’ dollars to elect them. I always make a point to remind them of this, as they kneel before me and kiss my ring.”

Plans are afoot to sell billboard space within the congressional chambers as well, with the prime spots, like the speaker’s podium, fetching the biggest fees. Eventually, the naming rights to the U.S. Capitol will be auctioned off, according to sources who wish to remain anonymous.

Corporations are reportedly anxious to start the bidding, with Nike hoping to install a neon “swoosh” on the capitol dome and naming it the “Just Do It (Like We Tell It To) Congress,” while Microsoft is placing their bid for a “Windows-on-the-World Congress” and a Microsoft logo lapel pin for all representatives, replacing “outdated flag pins.”

“Once you get going on this, all kinds of revenue-generating ideas pop up,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “For example, we could sell ad space in bills, since lobbyists write them anyway, and even provide logo space on the bill covers. The possibilities are endless.”

Reported by Humor Times Senior Legalized Bribery correspondent, James Israel.


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