[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Green eggs and ham Ted Cruz
Texas Sen. Ted Cruz has announced a new book deal with HarperCollins that will purportedly earn him well into the six figures. The particulars of the book deal have yet to be announced, but insiders say it will most likely capitalize on Cruz’ ability to nail the Dr. Seuss writing format, i.e. rhyming his words and repeating them ad nauseam. A title has been tentatively chosen: How Much Filibuster Can U Muster?
“Ted Cruz has always been a great fan of Theodor Seuss Geisel, aka Ted, or more popularly known as Dr. Seuss, and as such, he would like to remember the great Dr. Seuss by honoring him in his first non-coloring book venture out into the literary world.”
Another reason Cruz has supposedly chosen this style of writing is because he “knows his audience,” said the spokesperson.
“Sen. Ted Cruz is well aware that the majority of his constituents from Texas are products of a sub-par state educational system that has devolved over the past decade or so under leaders such as Governor Rick Perry. As such, they may be able to read at only a second or third grade level at best,” said Dolly DeLearned, Cruz’s assistant who has been instrumental in getting Cruz to sign the book deal.
Ms. DeLearned was quick to point out that her last statement in no way diminished the greater good Gov. Rick Perry has done for Texas, including a push for expansion of the open-carry gun laws in the state, and making sure that Obamacare did not reach it’s ugly hand into the state laws of Texas by forcing Perry to expand the state Medicaid program.
Sen. Cruz’ first book, Cruz to the Future, was published in a coloring book format for exactly this reason, i.e. to reach as many of his adult constituents as he can without making them think too hard.
Asked for a reading from Ted Cruz’ upcoming book, Ms. DeLearned stated that although the Senator from Texas has yet to fully formulate his thoughts into text, she did read us a smidgeon from a cocktail napkin on which Cruz scribbled the following in crayon:
I do not like Obamacare,
I do not like it here nor there
I would not want it in my house
to cover me, my kids, or spouse,
I do not like Obamacare
something, something, anywhere.
It was pretty evident from that small bit of writing that Cruz may be on to something. If he can get six figures by ripping off one of the greatest children’s book authors of all time, just think what he could do if he actually sat down and read half the bills introduced by both parties of the Senate.
Ms. DeLearned says Sen. Cruz will also devote a whole section of the book to Mitch McConnell, if he can find enough words to rhyme with the latter Senator’s name.
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