[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Bundy Ranch events for fun-loving militia
Contrary to news reports from several mainstream media outlets that the stand-off at the Cliven Bundy ranch was devolving into a free-for all, the mood at the ranch Friday was anything but tense. Various militia groups were getting ready for a weekend filled with all kind of redneck sports, including mud boggin’, outhouse runs, bbq cook-offs, and various other festivities centered around the large mud bog Bundy has created for his defenders.
Federal officials today announced that the promise of these various redneck sports and cooking competitions at the embattled Bundy ranch in Bunkerville, Nevada could, in their words “bring more crazies out in the open.”
Bureau of Land Management (BLM) director, Neil Kornze, today stated that he couldn’t be more pleased.
“We have to take credit for this ingenious idea,” said Kornze, who claims the BLM came up with the idea as a means to get as many fringe elements in one place at one time in order to tag them and keep track of their future movements.
“We figure, the more fringe elements we can gather at one place, at one time, all with guns drawn at each other, can only be a good thing. Just like rounding up a pod of dolphins for tagging, we can have those ruffians tagged and sent on their way with tracking devices implanted in their rear ends, so that the next time they draw from the hip, we’ll know about it.”
Meanwhile, members of the Oath Keepers are having serious problems with the Three Percenters over who gets to go first in the mud boggin’ competition.
Steve McCurdle, ipso facto leader of the Oath Keepers–Bunkerville Battalion, claims that the OK’ers won the coin toss fair and square, but accused the Three Percenters of pulling rank on them, seeing as they were first on the scene when the BLM first converged on the Bundy ranch and demanded the owner, Cliven Bundy keep his cattle off adjacent federal grazing lands and pay the government millions in back taxes.
“One thing is for sure,” said McCurdle, “we’re gonna smoke them in the BBQ cook-off, which McCurdle says will consist of only one competition–barbecued beef brisket, which, at the moment is in great supply due to the number of heads of cattle presently being fenced in at the ranch.
McCurdle also commented on the reports that should a shoot out with feds occur, the militiamen would consider putting women on the front lines to show the world that the government is willing to shoot innocent women.
“Heck no, the reporters got that all wrong,” said McCurdle.
“We actually told reporters to show up Friday round noon for the girl-on-girl mud wrestlin’ matches we had planned for the day. If you knew us militiamen, you’d know we’d never take advantage of our women by putting them in harm’s way. They are way too important to us.”
In related news, reporters covering the debacle at the Cliven Bundy ranch are having a hard time deciding on which great gunfight to liken it to.
On the one hand, they claim that Gunfight at the OK (Oath Keepers) Corral pretty much describes the mood at the ranch at the present moment, with members of several militia drawing their guns on each other and daring the others to shoot.
However, someone suggested naming the standoff Bunker Ville, after the famous battle at Bunker Hill during the Revolutionary War, due to the growth of militiamen converging on the ranch to take part in the action.
“Firepower is what is going to finally sort this out,” said Dave Preston of the Las Vegas Sun News.
“Neither of those battles had the kind of firepower we are seeing at the Bundy ranch compound, i.e. automatic rifles, glocks, missile launchers, and even the mention of armed drones, but the message is loud and clear, “Don’t tread on our rights, or ours, or ours, or even ours, depending on which militia group you’re talking to.”
Latest posts by P. Beckert (see all)
- ‘Inauguration Roast’ to Replace Standard Swearing-In Ceremony - January 18, 2017
- Trump Resigns Over Mandatory Reading Assignments from DOD - January 2, 2017
- How the Trump Stole America: A Poem - December 29, 2016
Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!