Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/12/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do when reading the headlines is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

NBC cancels ‘Community’

I’m shocked. There’s still an NBC?

Anti-Gay Republican once worked as a drag queen in a gay bar

Or, as he was known RuPaul Ryan.

North Korean leader calls Obama a ‘crossbreed’ in viciously racist attack

Looks like somebody’s looking for a job on FOX News.

Apple to buy Beats by Dre for 3.6 billion dollars

Now, that’s one expensive pair of headphones.

Obama praises security cooperation of Djibouti President

Joe Biden says he loved his movie ‘Djibouti Unchained.’

TSA busts woman smuggling 81 pounds of weed

She apparently didn’t totally understand the concept of the mile high club.

Arkansas clerk issues 1st gay marriage license

What’s more amazing? They’re not first cousins.

Lee Marshall, the voice of Tony the Tiger, dies at 64

His family was surprised because just the day before he was feeling “Greaaaaaaat!”

Derek Jeter unfazed after fan runs on field and asks for hug

Man, that Alex Rodriquez will do anything to get back on the field.

Fox News used footage of “random sad Asians” to cover S Korean ferry accident

Thinking “Random Sad Asians” is great name for a band.

Why did Kim Kardashian change all her accessories on her way to the Met gala?

Uh, she was wearing same accessories as step dad, Bruce Jenner?

Obama’s big move on solar is equivalent to a year without 80 million cars

Or, one rush hour on L.A’s 405.

Talking to yourself makes you smarter

Yes, it does. No, it doesn’t. Yes, it does. No, it doesn’t…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)