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Fun with the News: John Edwards and More

Aug 102011
 
 By , August 10, 2011
Fun with the News: John Edwards and More

The Rise of the Planet of the Apes topped the movie box office Sunday with fifty-four million dollars in ticket sales. The plot is quite believable. In the movie, the apes take over everything and within a year the United States is debt-free and the budget is balanced.

Two and a Half Men begins in September with a funeral for Charlie Sheen’s character on the first show. It has problems. All the women Charlie has bedded on the show were supposed to attend the funeral but the fire marshal will only allow four hundred people in the studio.

Jackie Kennedy’s secret audiotapes air on ABC in September in which she reportedly admits she had many affairs while First Lady. They were in revenge for her husband’s escapades. The biggest cover-up in history could be that they both died of venereal disease.

The U.S. World Series of Surfing was interrupted at Huntington Beach when Mexican cocaine smugglers landed ashore during the competition. Their arrest was swift. Police moved in after the boat blew a horn letting surfing fans know the catering truck was here.

Sarah Palin announced she will address a Tea Party Rally in Washington over Labor Day. She’s hot again. Interest in her soared after the stock market crashed when many Americans realized that we may need a president who can teach us to survive in the woods.

Standard and Poor’s downgraded the credit rating of the United States from AAA to AA Friday for the first time. We’re so addicted to spending we’ve got to go to AA. Now the economy must go to meetings and take direction from Lindsay Lohan if it wants to recover.

Wall Street plummeted at the opening bell Monday, falling six hundred points. There are built-in protections. Stock brokerages in Beverly Hills are required by law to be on the first floor so if a stockbroker jumps out the window the worst he can do is break his leg.

President Obama went on TV Monday to back the credit of the United States. He said he doesn’t care what anyone says, America will always be a AAA country. That makes Obama the first president ever to tell the nation that we’ll never be called up to the Majors.

President Obama tried to calm the market Monday by going on TV while stocks were still trading. The effect on the stock exchange was instantaneous. The Dow Jones fell three hundred points at the sound of his voice, showing him that as a singer he’s still magic.

Texas Governor Rick Perry said he will announce in South Carolina Saturday that he is running for president. He loves to begin each speech by leading the crowd in a long and fervent prayer. He’d announce sooner but he’s booked up with gigs at stock brokerages until Saturday.

John Edwards won a delay in his civil trial over the sex tape Tuesday so he can stand trial for money laundering. Being a lawyer may hurt him with jurors. Shark Week just ended, prompting Prepaid Legal Services to drop its lawsuit against the Discovery Channel.

North London broke out in fiery racial street protests Sunday after a policeman shot and killed a cab driver. The burning swiftly turned to looting. Officials are worried that the incident could end the policemen exchange program between London and Los Angeles.

The Smithsonian opened an exhibit honoring the thirty-three Chilean miners who emerged from the mine safely after being trapped for three months underground. Thirty-two of the miners went on a tour of the world afterward to celebrate their miracle. The thirty-third guy had a wife and girlfriend waiting for him at the top, so he went back down.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.