[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Hillary Clinton’s claim that she and Bill left the White House “dead broke” has evoked a storm of sympathy.
Hillary Clinton’s claim in an interview with Diane Sawyer that she and Bill left the White House “dead broke” has evoked a storm of sympathy and support, even from beyond the grave.
According to a ghoulish Tammy Faye Bakker, interviewed via GoogleSeance TM satellite, there is widespread sympathy for Hillary throughout Dante’s Third Region, where she and history’s most egregious fakes, tricksters and con men are eternally confined.
[Editor’s Note: Heavyweight political criminals like Hitler, Stalin and Henry Kissinger are doomed to the netherest corners of the bottomless Ninth Region. Our reporter declined an invitation to visit.]
“We all recognize Hillary Clinton as one of us,” said the diminutive former TV evangelist, speaking through the back of her neck. “It’s not hard to tell a phoney when you’ve been one yourself. The secret is believing your own malarkey when you say it.”
“You mean it wasn’t a joke?”
“Good Lord, no,” said Tammy Faye, glancing guiltily over her shoulder at her invocation of the Deity. No one was listening so she flashed her famous ruby-lipped fake smile and quickly added: “Jesus wants you to be happy. Jesus wants you to be rich. Can you make a donation today? Oh, the poor starving children.”
Dark lines of mascara were dripping down her cheeks. “See?” she added, dabbing.
I put my wallet away, stunned that any member of the 1% could feel short of a little green. But as Tammy Fae explained: “There is always someone richer than you until you get to Bill Gates. And even he has to worry about Carlos Slim.”
Bakker added that despite Bill’s presidential salary of $200k/year and the finest room, board and air travel for almost a decade, not to mention perks like free in-house blow jobs, Hillary genuinely felt broke because she actually had to check to see how much money was available for their new multimillion dollar home, Bill’s Harlem office, Chelsea’s private school, bribes, legal fees and so on. These little things can add up.
“Even in hell,” Tammy Faye said tearfully, “we shuddered at their humiliation. As I always say, when you don’t have money, that’s all you think about, but when you do, you don’t.”
I was trying to figure this out when we were joined by Jim Bakker, Tammy Faye’s former husband, with his amour Jessica Hahn permanently attached to his hip. “Our Monica Lewinsky,” he said with a shit-eating grin. “That is the meaning of hell.”
Poor Hillary indeed, I thought.
Latest posts by Michael Egan (see all)
- Thousands of U.S. Citizens Swamp ICE, Demand Deportation - February 19, 2017
- Andy Borowitz Arrested in Satire Raid - February 11, 2017
- Kellyanne Conway: ‘Alternative Words’ in Bill of Rights Allow Trump ‘Lots of Latitude’ - January 24, 2017
Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!