Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Even Chevy Chase is nervous.
Three arrested in ‘Toddler Fight Club’ ring
The first rule of Toddler Fight Club is you don’t baby talk about Toddler Fight Club.
Home-schooling parents rally against Common Core
Or, as they call it “Comon Cur.’
Ukraine rejects Putin’s offer of gas discounts
No word if they’ll take him up on free car wash with fill up.
Women are 40% more likely than men to develop a mental illness
While men are 40% more likely to cause one.
Jon Stewart demands to know why the VA is still using 1985 technology
They haven’t gotten back because their AOL free email trial ran out years ago.
Eric Cantor’s pollster blames Democrats for stunning loss
Democrats: ‘You’re welcome.’
Rick Perry compares homosexuality to alcoholism
In his defense, both make you way more fun at parties…
World’s oldest man dies at 111
No word if world’s second oldest man has an alibi.
George Will claims being a college rape victim is now a ‘coveted status’
Proving where there’s a Will there’s a whacko.
George H W Bush jumped out of an airplane
I’m guessing it was right after Jeb told him he might run for Prez.
Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!