[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Lukas was just the tip of the iceberg in body doubles, president says
WASHINGTON, DC – House Republican leaders are in an uproar following President Obama’s claim that they are all literally dead and represented by body double zombies. The president’s remarks followed the shock revelation by Oklahoma congressional candidate Timothy Ray Murray, who claimed that his primary opponent, Frank Lukas (R-OK), is in fact a long-time resident of the afterlife represented here on earth by a look-alike. Murray is challenging the vote outcome, which Lukas won 82.5%-5.2%.
Asked to comment, Obama noted that in addition to the public hanging of Rep. Lukas, which Murray says happened in the Ukraine three years ago, Murray has also claimed that “other members were shown on television being hanged by The World Court.”
The president said that Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell, for example, “obviously expired years ago.” Obama cited McConnell’s recent primary campaign in which “the turtle-faced loon said and did nothing but smile inanely, nod and brandish a rifle. Yet he still won his primary. Does that sound humanly feasible to you?”
Obama said that it was obvious that the entire Republican congressional caucus had long ago expired and gone to Hades, since their body double shells were incapable of exhibiting even a spark of human sympathy and understanding. “These are people who will literally snatch the food out of a child’s mouth,” he said, referring to an earlier news story, “and throw it in the trash because the kid was short a few cents. They will let a mother die in prison because she couldn’t afford her child’s truancy fine. What further proof of heartless inhumanity does one need?”
The president noted that the Paul Ryan look-alike body double nastily labeled hungry school kids “moochers,” and called their mothers unloving because they couldn’t afford to pack a lunch. “No real human being could possibly talk like that,” said Obama, suddenly quoting Hamlet: “O God, a beast that wants discourse of reason would have felt more!”
Obama said that it took a peculiarly American deadness of soul for the Michelle Bachman look alike zombie to insist that “he who does not work, neither shall he eat.” He added: “Obviously she doesn’t realize that she’s quoting Lenin, isn’t that ironic? But it’s typical of her body-double ignorance. Remember how she claimed that the Founders worked tirelessly till slavery was abolished? Is it credible that a real human American would not at least have heard of Lincoln and the civil war?”
The president speculated that Dick Cheney is probably the Darth Vader of the enterprise. “Just look into his cold, dead eyes,” he said, noting that the former vice-president makes no bones about his non-human, mechanical heart.
Obama listed the GOP’s many other inhuman policies, including perpetual war, global warming, air and water pollution, oil, oil, and oil, the rape of the environment, unemployment, wealth inequality, and the spread of poverty, illiteracy and illness.
“Obviously, they’re softening us up,” Obama said. “I’m afraid that by the time people get a clue it will be too late.”
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