[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Strange beasts haunting Lake Peigneur?
Have you ever wondered what it might feel like to drain a humongous lake while drilling for oil?
Of course you have, stupid question.
The Lake Peigneur catastrophe is a tale involving an epic mineral collision. To put into context, if Spielberg made a movie about mineral collisions, this would be it.
On November 20, 1980, a Texaco crew who clearly didn’t excel at math started drilling in the lake, naïve to the fact that they were operating above a salt mine shaft where 55 employees were going about their business.
Experts believe that a blunder involving drill rig placement caused the calamitous affair. Whatever the reason, the drill bit was some 400 feet off target when it penetrated the mine. Miscalculations nearing this magnitude were not witnessed since Adolf Hitler’s high school principal encouraged him to form the ‘Politics is Fun’ club.
Long before Texaco was desperately trying to make South American lawsuits disappear, they had successfully made a Southern Louisiana lake filled with 3.5 billion gallons of water vanish. On that fateful morning, in addition to the lake performing a disappearing act that would make Harry Houdini scratch his head, a loading port, a tugboat, a house, a trailer, numerous trucks and tractors, greenhouses, a number of trees, and a Neil Young record were sucked away. Like a Dane Cook standup show staged in the last five years, only a handful of people observed the unusual incident.
Unbelievably, for 20 years, AGL Resources has used the salt dome beneath the lake as a storage space for pressurized natural gas. Rather obviously, locals are about as comfortable with this as Jessica Simpson at a nuclear physics conference, and now, like something out of a Stephen King novel, residents have noticed inexplicable bubbling coming from the lake.
The fizzy phenomenon seems to be stemming from an underground source, and this has raised real fears within the community.
Mary Donovan, a woman who lives directly beside Lake Peigneur, says she has strange creatures in the vicinity; “People think I am crazy, but I have spotted a vicious looking creature hanging around the lake, a muscular, menacing beast, sharp teeth and all. Sheep and cattle have been found slaughtered in the area. People are worried, really worried. In fact, we haven’t been this afraid since Piers Morgan talked about buying a home here.”
Recent reports of Luis Suarez holidaying in the area have been denied.
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