Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/28/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Sarah Palin gets speeding ticket

It seems she was in a rush to not finish something.

Have you seen Mark Hamill’s Jedi beard yet for ‘Star Wars?’

And, I thought for a while there Princess Leia was his Jedi beard.

Man caught in affair at nude beach a suspect in wife’s death

And, you’d think if anyone had nothing to hide, he’d be it.

Kerry heads to Mideast in bid for cease-fire

Looks like the Prez has decided to use a drone.

Rick Perry sending up to 1,000 National Guard troops to border

Which has Arkansans scared he’ll eventually attack them.

Bomb threat in Mumbai over Gaza operation

Looks like even Hamas is outsourcing.

In CNN interview, Bloomberg says U.S. flight ban a mistake

Frankly, Mike, I’d rather take my chances with a 64 Oz. Big Gulp of Dr. Pepper.

Ford CEO pay package worth more than 5.2M

And, that’s without the extended warranty.

Kim Kardashian’s ex marries

Yeah, that narrows it way down.

‘Expendables 3’ leaks

Ironically, as do most of its stars.

17-year old girl struck by lightning while masturbating

No word if afterwards she came down with the clap of thunder.

Canada has imposed new sanctions against Russia

But given that it’s Canada, y’know they asked politely, eh?

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)