[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
GMO Franken-Stein bill: “It’s alive!”
GMO labeling has gotten a lot of press lately. The biggest news on this front last year was the vote of Sen. Al Franken (D-MN), against an Amendment to the Farm Bill introduced by Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT), which would take the task of GMO labeling away from the federal government and put it directly in the hands of the individual states.
While Sen. Franken has always believed that it was more important to be concerned with the health of the population over the ability to grow an extra liver for future usage, his vote against this amendment has also shown that even the leftist of the left must consider the money that will be used against them in an election year and vote accordingly.
Sen. Joshua “Josh” Stein (D-NC), once named an Environmental Champion of the North Carolina General Assembly, an honor that pretty much establishes his avoidance of stepping barefoot on cockroaches at the local Bubba’s Indoor BBQ Pit, has lit a fire under Sen. Franken, promising to work feverishly with him to create the most perfect specimen of an Amendment the nation has ever seen. His vision is to make sure that GMO labeling will eventually be the law in every state of the Union, including science-denying states like Minnesota and North Carolina, before 2087.
“Like every scientific experiment,” said Stein, “GMOs were given the green light before the consequences of tinkering with nature were fully realized. Now that we have had time to thoroughly read the very large 10-page report on their impact, we realize that what could be unleashed on our society could potentially provide alternatives to medical abortions, something the religious right would undeniably blame on President Obama. We must stop this abomination now!”
Sen. Stein added, “My colleague, Mr. Franken, was hasty in his assessment of the situation, but I have met with Sen. Franken several times over the past few months, and fortunately, those meetings have resulted in the Franken-Stein Amendment to the Sanders Amendment to the Farm Bill. It’s Alive!” he said jokingly.
In related news, a winemaking Abbey in Vino, California, has announced that its senior winemaker, Monsignor Santo, will head up a new division of winemaking, and assured its clients that no genetically modified grapes or yeast, will be used in the process of producing their wines now, or anytime in the future.
“God did not intend for man to take matters of nature into his own hands,” wrote Mon. Santo on a piece of paper due to his vow not to vocalize his thoughts, which was then delivered to the California Senate back in May of this year, where a vote was set to take place on a Bill requiring foods containing GMOs to be labeled as such. California SB 1381 passed largely due to Mon. Santos’ short, but effective contribution to the debate.
Asked why he became involved in the fight, Mon. Santo claims it was not the issue of GMOs so much as the fact that ever since GMOs have become synonymous with the agricultural giant, Monsanto, he has become the butt of many jokes at the Abbey.
Through an interpreter, Mon. Santo claims he got fed up with the constant barrage of paper airplanes thrown his way containing the adolescent thoughts of the other residents of the Abbey, and the increasing abuse of the Saturday night mime program which was more than he could tolerate.
(Co-written by Mike Kelly.)
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