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Go Bald Early and Often

Aug 182014
 
 By , August 18, 2014
Go Bald Early and Often

Why going bald is a blessing

Ever since I started to shed my hair in my twenties, friends and family have expressed sympathy for my balding pate and plight. So it’s time I set the record straight and explain why losing your hair is a benefit, and doing it early is a blessing. Here are a few of the many reasons why it’s best to go bald early.

  1. The cost of haircuts is trimmed dramatically (no pun). (Note: Many men compensate by growing beards, but these also need cutting, which can eliminate the haircut savings. Beware!)
  2. When you start to go gray, it doesn’t show as much (provided you’ve skipped the compensating beard).
  3. You save a bundle on shampoo, not to mention gels, creams and colorizers. Consider: If you’re bald by 30 and live to 85, those 55 years of shampoo savings probably puts an extra $2K- $3K in your wallet.  (Note: A thick wallet is the number 5 cause of back pain, so don’t leave these savings in your wallet, deposit them at your bank.)
  4. You’re less likely to be carded when ordering alcohol (so you’ll need to retrieve that overstuffed wallet less often).
  5. You rarely have a bad hair day; even high winds are a breeze (no pun).
  6. Reputedly some women find bald – think Bruce Willis and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson – sexy. (Note: I have yet to meet those women.)
  7. It makes you easier to spot in crowds, especially on a sunny day .
  8. You appeal more to an older class of women. (Note: But you appeal less to younger women. So it’s a wash.).
  9. You avoid several decades of boorish “hair” jokes (“You know you need a haircut if…,” “He was so hairy that…”). (I assume such jokes exist. For obvious reasons, I don’t hear them.
  10. In good weather, you can meet your minimum daily requirement of Vitamin D while erect (Beware the peeling sunburn which looks like dandruff!).
  11. You don’t associate balding – which eventually happens to most men – with loss of virility, so it’s actually less depressing to go bald at 30 than 50.
  12. It makes it easier to get accurate hat measurements.

Please share YOUR reasons for feting premature baldness…

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Howard Zaharoff

Howard Zaharoff reads (a lot), writes (mostly humor), teaches (occasionally) and practices law (doesn't everyone?). He is the author of "Stump Your Lawyer!" (Chronicle 2007), and his work has appeared in The Boston Globe, Wall Street Journal, Amazing Stories, Computerworld, The Journal of Irreproducible Results, The Annals of Improbable Research and the books Growing Up Jewish (Penguin 1987) and Sex As a Heap of Malfunctioning Rubble (and Further Improbabilities) (Workman 1993), among other places.
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