[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Celebrity remnants are all the rage now
A new entrepreneurial enterprise has arisen to overnight success: “Celebrity Remnants.” Now the ordinary person can have very personal discarded pieces of famous celebrities.
The price ranges vary, depending upon the celebrity and how personal the piece is. The highest prices are charged for pieces of discarded nasal tissue and cartilage from the nose jobs of the likes of Kim Kardashian and any A-list stars.
At the low end are jelly fish looking pieces of fat removed by liposuction, with an extra cost if cellulite are visible. A piece of Pamela Anderson’s discarded original implants will cost a pretty penny also. If the piece is less personal, such as one of Beyonce’s old hair extensions, the price is scaled down.
Celebs’ manicurists are making some side cash, selling snippets of nail and discarded ceramic nails to Celebrity Remnants, especially if they have identifying designs. Empty syringes from botox injections are at the lowest end of the scale, because there are so many of them.
The only challenge to the new industry is the black market, where in a back alley you can buy “remnants” from some attending nurses who have decided to cash in on the new market. But Celebrity Remnants warns that many of these are “knock-offs” — only theirs come with certificates of authenticity, and each is preserved in a plexiglass reliquary, where it can be viewed from all sides in its place of honor on the coffee table, shelf, or grand piano.
Diane de Anda
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