[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
We knew Burger King’s food was rich, but this is ridiculous.
Burger King, the whopper giant that sits perpetually in the cool shade of rival McDonald’s when it comes to corporate profits, has come up with a clever marketing ploy.
Most would guess that it’s the fact that BK is attempting to buy Canadian donut giant, Tim Hortons, in order to transfer their corporate ownership to Canada. With that action, they are following other companies in a “tax inversion” scheme, in order to avoid paying U.S. corporate taxes on the whole shebang, but no, that isn’t it.
While that is a pretty crafty ploy, the marketing people aren’t quite as savvy as BK’s financial folks when it comes to staying afloat in the burger turd business, so to speak.
Here’s their bright idea: Burger King has partnered with Monsanto, the genetically modified foods giant to produce lettuce that actually is greener and has a pattern on each leaf resembling a dollar bill.
The “lettuce” (see how they used the slang term for money and substituted the real food item here — pure marketing genius) will be placed on every Whopper sold at Burger King, replacing the ordinary lettuce they are currently using.
The genius who came up with this idea, Buster Banks, head of marketing over at BK, couldn’t quite believe it when the Burger King himself decreed this to be a million-dollar idea, especially in light of the fact that Banks admittedly came up with the marketing ploy after a late-night excursion to the local bar had him waking up on the loading docks of a local produce company in Miami.
“There I was,” said Banks. “I worked late the night before. Me and a couple of the guys stopped off at Johnny Martini’s for a quick one that turned into a few more, and don’t you know the next morning I’m waking up on a loading dock among some of the freshest produce I’ve ever seen,” he marveled.
“I’m not sure if I dreamed the idea or if it came to me as I was removing a piece of wilted lettuce from my empty wallet that lay alongside me, but they say that is how good ideas come to light. Money lettuce was born, well, maybe not born, but definitely conceived by a mad man, or in this case, an ‘ad’ man,” he quipped.
“I was as shocked as anyone that after royally screwing up the Subservient Chicken ad campaign, I was finally able to produce (pun intended) a newer, fresher, and more believable marketing idea,” he said.
“Who knew cockfighting chickens were a no-no in ad campaigns to sell chicken sandwiches.”
BK expects to have the new “Dollar Whoppers” on the market come spring, giving Monsanto enough time to split the genes, synthetically mess with the DNA of the iceberg lettuce they will be using, and grow and harvest their first batch of dollar bills for the sandwiches. And while you may think that Dollar Whopper means the whopper will be selling for only a buck, think again. The Dollar Whopper will actually sell for more due to the increase in marketing and other costs associated with making such a specialized burger.
Asked if Burger King thinks this new idea will create enough ad revenue to outshine McDonald’s in their age-old burger wars, BK VP Col. Mustard replied “We are quite confident that our lettuce will create the lettuce (pun intended) needed to buy Russian fast food giant, Teremok (Russian: Tepemok), and get a toe-hold in the borscht business. And from there, who knows? We may just take over the souvlaki fast food giants in Greece.”
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