[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Unannounced visitor causes stir at White House
To get into the White House nowadays, one must be as devious as they are intelligent, right? Wrong. You must be able to do just one thing, hop a fence.
Unsurprisingly, after Omar “Speedy” Gonzalez, a 42-year-old Texan decided to pay Obama a visit, the Secret Service received severe criticism.
After Gonzalez sprinted along the lawn and bellowed, “Mr. Obama, I Facebooked you, why didn’t you reply?” parts of the White House were evacuated. However, the President had already left by helicopter to attend a sleepover at Jay Z‘s mansion.
Jason Chaffetz, a man who chairs the House of Representatives’ subpanel on national security oversight, called the Secret Service’s unprofessionalism “absolutely hilarious,” and said the incident was just one of a string of security failings on the “Sleepy Service’s” watch.
‘Unfortunately, although the intruder did actually bring cake, he could have easily been carrying garlic, and Mr. Obama reacts violently to garlic — the smell is enough to make him gag uncontrollably. These are good men and women working at the White House, nevertheless, the Secret Service could take some inspiration from Ray Rice, as in, don’t be afraid to use a little force.”
Video from the scene showed the intruder, naked from the waist down, sprinting across the lawn as Secret Service took selfies and listened to Pharrell William’s latest album.
“This situation was a little different than other incidents we have at the White House. ‘Speedy’ Gonzalez has been reprimanded, the cake has been consumed, and it tasted quite good, just a little rich in texture,” Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan said.
“How a man wearing no pants made it through the north portico doors before being apprehended is absolutely unfathomable, it looks like the Secret Service officials were also caught with their pants down,” said Washington insider Ronald Kessler, who’s written several books on the top level security.
“If the intruder were carrying chemical, biological or radiological weapons and President Obama and his family had been in, we would have had a disaster on our hands, and the Secret Service would have had cake all over its face, quite literally,” said Kessler, who authored “Secret Service Agents; About As Trustworthy As Fox News.”
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