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[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

Tackling Ebola: A ‘Refreshing’ Cure

Sep 272014
 By , September 27, 2014

Doctor says Sizzurp cure for Ebola should win him the Nobel Prize

Dr. Riskee Logan, a medical professional in rural Liberia, has been inundated with Ebola patients. However, although he has been under severe pressure to treat each case, he assures CNN that he has had good results with an approach he tried out of utter desperation: Sizzurp, an addictive concoction that gets the user high, made by combining prescription-strength cough syrup with a sugar laden soda like Mountain Dew.

Ebola cure, sizzurpHaving administered the ‘refreshing drink’ to twenty Ebola patients, all but two survived. That’s a 10% mortality rate. Across West Africa, the virus has killed 70% of its victims, however, Fox News insists that the toll is closer to 180%.

Outside Riskee’s Ebola center, three of his recovering patients walk the grounds, regularly taking gulps of the beverage once favored by Rob Ford, infamous mayor of Toronto.

“My stomach was very sore; I was feeling lethargic; I was vomiting like a bulimic after Christmas dinner ,” Tori Kundu, 28, says of her battle with the virus. “They gave me Sizzurp, and I’m feeling fine. I feel great, the only side effect is the insane urge to listen to hip-hop music.”

Kundu and the other 17 patients who took the syrup and survived decided to mix it with Mountain Dew, while the two patients who died mixed it with Sprite.

“I’m sure that Mountain Dew is superior to Sprite,” Logan said. “I’ve proven it right in my center. If I can win the Nobel Prize for this, then I will die a happy man.”

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John Glynn

John Glynn is an Irishman, a lover of Guinness and a potato connoisseur. An expert in the area of mediocrity, he one day hopes to own a decent coffee maker and visit SeaWorld Orlando.

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