I won’t be an opening act for Lena Dunham’s new book tour. Here’s why.
- I’m not that kind of girl.
- I hate taking off my clothes in public.
- “You shall not etch a tattoo on yourselves.” –Leviticus 19:28
- That narcissistic cheapskate got ramrodded into compensating opening acts.
- That biotch stole my idea for Girls, and I’m contemplating suing her.
- I hate Lena Dunham for being so young, successful and filthy rich.
- Actually, I loathe her and have such frightening revenge fantasies I had to double my dose of Xanax.
- My boss said, “I don’t give a shit about this Dumbell whoever-she-is, but don’t count on your job being here when you get back.”
- I’m way behind on efforts to become Instafamous.
- My OCD flared up.
- I’m over thirty.
- I’m secretly sleeping with Adam Driver.
- She didn’t ask me.
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Candy Schulman is a nationally recognized writer, professor and college essay coach. She has published hundreds of personal essays, humor pieces, and articles in leading print and online publications.
Latest posts by Candy Schulman (see all)
- How to Avoid the Madding Crowds During the Pope’s Trip to the U.S. - September 18, 2015
- New Federal Dietary Guidelines for Dummies, by Dummies - April 6, 2015
- Why I’m Not Going on the Lena Dunham Circus Book Tour - October 6, 2014
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