[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘Designer Dicks’ to be tested on penis-envying volunteers
WINSTON-SALEM NC — Civil unrest broke out today at the gates of the Wake Forest Institute for Regenerative Medicine, Winston-Salem, NC, following reports that its scientists are ready to try “in-man” trials for their new laboratory-grown penis operation. The announcement followed successful tests on rabbits, who, it was said, all instantly mated like bunnies.
Thousands of noisy volunteers, some egged on by wives and girlfriends, assembled at dawn demanding to be among the first equipped with the Institute’s so-called “Designer Dicks.” Several waved pictures of legendary porn stars Ron Jeremy and John Holmes, while Anthony Weiner himself was seen moving among the crowd indiscriminately handing out crotch selfies signed with his Twitter address.
Several arrests were made, until about mid-morning when the noise subsided into a sullen silence punctuated by defiant cries of “I am male, hear me roar!” and “Anybody got a beer?”
According to attendee Richard (“Please don’t call me Dick”) Little, withholding “penile enhancement treatment” would be “reverse sexism,” since the Institute had already installed several “in-woman” vaginas grown from stem cells.
“I mean, is this fair?” he said, gesturing at a picture of Jonah Falcon on his T-shirt. At 13.5 inches, Falcon is reputed to possess the world’s largest male member.
“Besides,” Little said, “it is well known that the male scientists at Wake Forest have been secretly growing their own for months now, and I don’t mean pot, with extraordinary results.”
He added that he and his friends only wanted to share in the bounty. “And us too,” said a plaintive female voice nearby, later identified as Little’s wife.
Dr Anthony Atala, the Peruvian-born head of the 300-strong team at the Institute, confirmed that he and his researchers were working on “larger and larger penis structures. That’s pretty much what we’ve been doing since the rabbits.”
Despite some success, he said, the penis is proving to be “like Nixon, a Tricky Dick,” especially when it comes to “assessing the structure for safety and effectiveness.” Candidate organs are squashed, stretched and twisted to make sure they can stand up to the wear of everyday (and night) life; another pumps fluid into them to test erections.
“It’s a rigorous testing schedule,” said Atala wearily, gesturing at his crotch.
Professor James Yoo, a senior team member, said that they were informally exploring the possibilities of commercialization, although the competition might be stiff.
“I can foresee us offering a variety of colors, styles and sizes,” Yoo said. “Starting with Large, of course, like athletic supporters. Then we could go through Young Ron Jeremy, Old Ron Jeremy, the John Holmes Special, OMG, OMFG and Call 911!”
“Circumcision and hairy balls could be options,” he added. “But that’s all in the future.”
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