[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Activist regarding D.C.’s huge butt plug: “Put condoms on the Washington Monument now!”
WASHINGTON, DC — Right-wing protests in Paris against artist Paul McCarthy’s “butt plug” sculpture have inspired American Tea Party activists to take a similar stand on the Washington Monument and other “obscene” public buildings.
“That thing is like a giant ad for Viagra,” protested Rinse Previous, a leading Tea Party activist. “Every time you see it you just can’t help thinking about teenage boys struggling to take off their sweaty jock straps and then frolicking in the showers.”
Previous added that Washington’s “Hey, let’s be gay ad,” as he called it, should be “decently covered.” He recommended wrapping the 555-foot obelisk in “large shiny black latex or preferably a black shiny condom unrolled slowly over that disgustingly suggestive tip.”
A condom would also encourage safe sex, Previous said, “especially among teenage gays. We all know what they get up to with their tight pants and their shirts unbuttoned almost to the navel exposing their hairy chests.”
After a moment he added: “I saw one the other day, some kinda hairy beatnik, he had this gold chain on and anyone, I mean anyone, kids, women even someone like me could just imagine all the dirty things he does with it. Ugh.”
Previous said that Tea Party women were forming a group known as the Antitit League (named after its founder, Mrs Mabel Antitit) to protest the Capitol dome, which is “disgustingly breast-like.” He laughed cynically. “You know how teenage boys are. It stirs up their lascivious thoughts.”
Previous noted that the dome also might encourage women with young children to breastfeed in public. This was not only unsightly, it would also excite teenage boys.
Previous produced a list of what he called “other possible interventions.” These include covering Lincoln’s legs at his memorial (“Legs and gay sex go together like Obama and death panels”), changing Washington’s designation of “D.C” because of its “sexually deviant overtones,” and warehousing Philadelphia’s Liberty Bell “with its suggestive shape and even more suggestive crack.”
“As for the Statue of Liberty,” Previous said, “don’t get me started. Do you know that you can actually climb under her dress and peek around inside there? Can you imagine the thoughts of teenage boys when they’re shuffling around with their school group and everyone is kind of brushing up against everyone else and you can smell them?”
Previous said that he was also pressing John Boehner to change his last name. “I mean, really,” he said. “We all know how teenage boys are.”
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