[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Kids still traumatized by Fat Albert treatment after all these years
According to a suit filed by the Cosby Kid “Mushmouth” recently, he was an aspiring bass guitarist with a speech impediment when he first met Fat Albert. Mushmouth claims that Fat Albert promised him a better life than the one than he was living in the inner city until after one particular performance after the gang learned a life lesson that week.
“Mr. Albert came up to me after practice one night and started massaging my shoulders,” Mushmouth said through an interpreter. “He then pressed his weight up against me, bent me over, and put himself inside me. I tried screaming for help but I couldn’t catch my breath due to Albert’s 500lbs pressing against me. After Albert was finished he said ‘Hey, hey, hey! Go ahead and tell on me. No one can understand what you’re saying anyway.”
Mushmouth’s lawyer said Fat Albert strategically surrounded himself with individuals who had learning disabilities to engage them in sexual acts.
“In Mr. Albert’s sick mind, he knew that forming a band with people with mental handicaps would enjoy the attention that Mr. Albert gave them. Mr. Albert even gave them humiliating names. Mushmouth’s REAL name is Josiah St. Claire,” Mushmouth’s lawyer told the Humor Times.
“Dumb” Donald might be the best example of the mistreatment claims. Donald Reginald Hightower, III was a savant horn player who caught the attention of Fat Albert while playing his instrument for spare change on the streets of Philadelphia. Like Mushmouth, Donald had a learning disability. However, he has a master at his instrument. “He picked up on horns right away,” said Donald’s mother. “Albert wanted to exploit Donald’s talents for his personal gain. What he did to Donald was sick.”
Donald’s mother claimed that Albert paid the Cosby Kids very little. “They played their concerts in a junkyard, for Pete’s sake,” she said. “Because of Donald’s Asperger’s Syndrome, Albert began calling Donald ‘Dumb Donald’ and kept telling him, “Hey, hey, hey! Those big lips would look better around my fat dick all day!”
Due to the years of verbal and sexual abuse by Albert, Donald committed suicide by locking himself in a refrigerator he found in the junkyard where the Cosby Kids performed. Donald’s autopsy revealed he died of suffocation.
However, Fat Albert’s lawyer has dismissed these claims, stating his client is a victim of extortion.
“Mr. Albert has done no harm to his former bandmates,” he said. “They had no complaints when they were headlining the neighborhood junkyard in the 70s. It is not Mr. Albert’s fault that they have squandered their royalties.”
The Humor Times tried to reach Fat Albert directly for his take on these allegations. Mr. Albert responded by saying, “Hey, hey hey! Take that question to my attorney any day.”
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