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[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

Luis Suarez: The Autobiography

Oct 292014
 By , October 29, 2014

Footballer Luis Suarez on taking a bite out of life

In an exclusive extract from his new book, Luis Suarez, the infamous cannibal/soccer player, talks about how the movie Alive had a profound impact on him as a child.

Luis Suarez“After watching it, undoubtedly, something sinister manifested within. Then, around the age of 13, I developed the hunger. In fact, strangely enough, I got my first erection when Tyson bit off Holyfield‘s ear.”

In Chewy Suarez: My Story, the Uruguayan does acknowledge his need for help and talks about how he has been attending therapy to help him control his emotions and impulses.

“Yes, I have bitten three players in my life, but some folk have compared me to Ebola, an utter plague, some have even compared me to Piers Morgan, an utter bastard,” Suarez notes.

Speaking about the notorious incident against Italy at this year’s World Cup, Luis says, “I know biting appalls a lot of people, but it’s relatively harmless.”

A rousing read, the most touching aspects of Suarez’s book arrive when he talks about his family, especially his wife, Sofi. Childhood sweethearts, Suarez admits that Sofi rules the roost, “My beautiful wife wears the pants, whereas I wear the muzzle, she kind of likes it, she’s into kinky stuff.”

Describing the sport he loves as emotional, spontaneous and intuitive, Suarez states that he is “a rabid dog, a man-beast that cannot and will not ever be tamed.”

Released next week, the book is sure to be a Christmas hit.

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John Glynn

John Glynn is an Irishman, a lover of Guinness and a potato connoisseur. An expert in the area of mediocrity, he one day hopes to own a decent coffee maker and visit SeaWorld Orlando.

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