[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Not to be outdone, Dick Cheney, Kim Jong-Un and others throw their hats in villainy ring with Stephen Hawking.
Cambridge UK — Internationally renowned physicist Stephen Hawking said today that his wheelchair and distinctive motorized voice would make him the perfect pick to play a villain in the next James Bond movie.
His ideal role would be as “a baddie in a James Bond film,” Hawking told Wired magazine, adding: “I think the wheelchair and the computer voice would fit the part.”
But in the US, former vice president Dick Cheney said that if any celebrity was to be cast as a Bond villain, he himself would make “a far more credible choice.”
“First, I look and sound the part,” he menacingly hissed with his famous side-mouthed leer and cold gray eyes. “Imagine me slowly stroking a white Persian cat. ‘No, Mr Bond, I expect you to vote for me.’ You can tell that I literally have no heart, and that oil runs in my dark veins.”
“Listen, Reagan,” Cheney continued. “Audiences will believe in my evil because they know what I’m actually capable of in real life. Never has one man inflicted so much pain on so many for such incredible rewards—power, money, adulation, fame.
“Even Hitler shot himself. I got Halliburton. If that isn’t evil, what is?”
In North Korea, strong man Kim Jong-Un put on his super-elevator shoes to announce that, on the contrary, Cheney is “a political has been, so 9/11,” and that he, Kim, is the only active head of state wicked enough to star opposite Daniel Craig.
“Saddam’s gone. Gadaffi’s gone. Assad is busy. Even that sleazy little toad Putin only qualifies as nasty,” Kim went on. “Don’t believe that useful idiot Dennis Rodman. In my case we’re talking real iniquity.”
Sources in Moscow said that the Kremlin was considering its response.
“What, poisoning our opponents with radioactive soup isn’t bad enough for him?” said a spokesman, adding: “It’s because of our humanitarian military aid to the poor oppressed Russians in the Ukraine, isn’t it? No good deed ever goes unpunished with those damned North Koreans.”
In the US, Ann Coulter and Michele Bachmann held a joint press conference to demand that the next Bond villain be a woman, even perhaps the two of them working as a team.
“We’re two halves of the same GOP coin,” Coulter noted, fingering her long blond hair and short black skirt. “I’m nasty, vicious, cruel and mean-spirited, with a cutting turn of phrase. On the other hand, Michelle here is blessed with big blue eyes and a syrupy fake sincerity of manner that works on some people, despite her obvious stupidity and documented ignorance. Together we’re nauseatingly malevolent.”
In Florida, however, Rush Limbaugh imperiously waved aside all other contenders.
“My long campaign about climate change being a hoax delayed the US government from acting until too late,” he said. “I will unquestionably go down in history as the single most evil influence of the late 20th century.”
Limbaugh laughed, his fat cheeks wobbling. “But at least my friends and I didn’t have to pay any more taxes,” he said. “Woohoo.”
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