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A Funny Little Stocking Stuffer for the Parents On Your Holiday Gift List

Dec 082014
 
 By , December 8, 2014

Add “The Big Book of Parenting Tweets” to your holiday gift list

The Big Book of Parenting Tweets” is a new collection of 300 Tweets from funny people on Twitter who also happen to be parents, curated by Kate Hall, creator of the popular Hall of Tweets blog.

It is delightful. Immediate. True. And laugh-out-loud funny.

Laughter is a terrific way to reduce stress. And thanks to Twitter, when an amateur comic who is also a parent cracks a good joke, the world listens! (And, if you need a good laugh, you should too.) Check out this sampling of the books best wit, wisdom and wisecracks:

Yesterday I cleaned my house, which is dumb because we still live here.

To anyone out there thinking about having kids, today my 2YO threw a temper tantrum because she couldn’t get rid of her shadow.

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food & squirt ketchup on the dog.

My artistic 3YO has chosen the dining room table as her canvas, a blue Sharpie as her paint bush & lax supervision as her motivation.

My teen daughter dropped her phone. It broke. The world came to an end. Good-bye, everybody.

My 4YO just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

Glad my son can read because now someone calls out from the backseat every 2 minutes with the current speed limit and how I’m exceeding it.

5YO: Mom, will you get me a yogurt?
Me: You’re closer to the fridge.
5YO: *moves to the other side of the room.* Now you’re closer.

World peace could be achieved if all the political leaders of the world had to work together to dress and undress Barbies.

Fun Fact: The average group of 4YOs can take up to 7 years to break open a pinata.

Tonight we will be having “That looks kinda yucky” with a side of “How many bites do I have to take?”

Reasons my 2YO threw a fit today:
1) I woke her up
2) Her socks felt funny.
3) Her balloon was too floaty.

I bet if Bruce Banner had children, he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

Put a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

4YO: My teacher said zombies aren’t real.
Me: That sounds like something a zombie would say.
4YO: *hides under her bed forever.*

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.”
“Sweetie, this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets.”

My signature move is spending 4 hours getting my kids to sleep and then tripping over a basket of cymbals on my way out of the room.

I only have to wait 30 more years before my daughter realizes I know what I’m talking about.

4YO: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions.
4YO: Why?

There should be a theme park called Parentland where only parents can go. The rides would be couches where parents can just sit in peace.

Reassured the 5YO at 2 a.m. that there are no werewolves, then went back to bed where I can’t let my feet hang over because of the evil clowns.

MY 9YO says she always unbuttons her jeans when she sits on the couch because I do. So that’s my legacy right there, people.

My advice? Get a copy for everybody on your holiday gift list. And a copy for yourself too. Then sit back, pour yourself a margarita and enjoy.

You’re welcome.

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Roz Warren Roz is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor. She writes for The New York Times and The Funny Times. Her work also appears in Good Housekeeping, The Christian Science Monitor, The Philadelphia Inquirer and the Humor Times. Connect with her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter or visit her website.

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