[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
The “Believe in Magic & Fairy Dust to Make It All Better Act” close behind
President Obama shocked Congress and the American people last night in his special joint session address to Congress by introducing an all-new, bold and sweeping bill that would revolutionize the troubled relationship between corporations and government.
“As we know, big corporations are the job creators, even though they’ve been sitting on huge piles of money and not hiring for years now,” said the president. “But if we take away all the rules — not just most of them — then maybe they’ll do the right thing.”
He proceeded to outline the administration’s new proposal, the “Let Corporations Do What They Damn Well Please Act.”
“My friends in the Republican Party, God Bless ’em, have a point, and I am ready to compromise, even compromise the American future if I must,” he said.
“It only makes sense,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner. “After all, corporations are people too, and they have feelings. You know how you felt when your mother laid down a bunch of mean rules for you to follow as a kid? I know it made me cry. Well, that’s how they feel now. They may act like bullies, but it’s just a reaction to an over-controlling mother — or in this case, government.”
By coincidence, another bill, authored by Rep. Eric Cantor, majority leader, is expected to reach the president’s desk soon. The “Believe in Magic & Fairy Dust to Make It All Better Act,” if passed and then signed by Obama, would direct Congress to simply take the entire remainder of its current session off, which ends December 29, 2012. All regulatory agencies would also cease functioning until that time.
“Once we get the government out of the way, the magic can finally happen,” said Cantor. “Think of it. Without burdensome regulation, the Gulf oil spill would not have spiraled out of control, as magical solutions would have been allowed to happen. BP could have sent water fairies down there to plug the hole with magic water-soluble fairy dust. But of course, unbelievers in the Department of the Interior wouldn’t allow that.”
Rep. Michele Bachmann, speaking today in support of the new bills at a campaign stop in New Hampshire, said they were good, but that she would “take it to the next level.”
“As the Great and Infallible One, President Ronald Reagan, once stated, ‘government is the problem,’” she said. “That’s why I’m running for the top government post. Once there, I can take the final step, the one Obama is too timid to take. I can declare all rules null and void, down to the state and city levels, except God’s, of course. Then I will loose the angels from heaven and help spark Armageddon, so we can all party in heaven. Screw the mortals left behind, they get what they deserve!”
“But first, I have to ask my husband if it’s ok.”
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