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[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

‘The Onion’ and Six Other Fake News Websites to Close

Jan 102015
 
 By , January 10, 2015

“World insanity is beyond our writers’ imaginations,” says Onion fake news editor.

CHICAGO — “The Onion” managing editor, Russell Sprouts, announced today that the well-known fake news outlet was shutting down immediately. Six other prominent sites said they would also be closing.

The Onion fake news

“No one can tell the difference between real and fake news anymore, so what’s the point?” say website editors.

“We can’t keep up any more,” said Sprouts, speaking for the group. “Reality itself has become so insane that it is no longer possible to distinguish between fake news and legitimate headlines.”

Sprouts referred to a recent case — or is it? — when a man who kicked a kitten to death was acquitted on grounds of self-defense.

“Or how about the naked woman,” he continued, “who got stuck in a chimney stalking her boyfriend? They had to take the house down. Real or a joke? How about PETA enrolling Sarah Palin’s dog in a domestic abuse program?”

Sprouts noted that in some instances “faux news” headlines anticipated the “real news” by mere weeks.

He cited a spoof report in the Humor Times about the ability of iWatch wearers to give each other remote-control orgasms and the real-news announcement today of a vibrator that can synch with your iWatch.

“It’s built by a company called OhMiBod,” he said despairingly. “Their slogan is ‘Cuddle up with your phone at night instead of your partner.’ I mean, how in hell do you satirize that?”

Hard-boiled though he is, Sprouts softened and seemed even tender.

Recovering, the “Lonely Little Petunia,” as his colleagues call him (“I’m in an onion patch, and all I do is cry all day”), said that the real worst thing was simply that there just was nothing funny in the news anymore.

“What kind of jokes can you make about Charlie Hebdo?” he said. “What’s funny about Mike Brown and Tamir Rice and a million folks thrown off food stamps? I’m afraid it’s just time for us to let it go, as the kids say.”

But Humor Times editor James Israel said that, nonetheless, they would not be closing their doors, despite what he called Sprout’s “soggy green-faced drippiness.”

Then the beleaguered editor added: “Yeah, satire is a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it. And it costs money. So don’t forget to contribute to our maintenance fund. No joke!”

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Michael was born in South Africa at the height of the apartheid era He quickly became involved in the underground resistance movement, knew Nelson Mandela and other prominent revolutionaries, some of whom later moved into privileged positions formerly occupied by whites. After several exciting escapes, he was forced to flee the country in disguise. He successfully made his way to the UK and gained his PhD at Cambridge on a university scholarship, He then pursued the dual career of college professor and social revolutionary, provoking academic and political mayhem wherever he went. Having thus failed miserably at both politics and education, he now cynically rails like Diogenes at the foibles of mankind in bitter satires and faintly subtly edgy political cartoons. History will, however absolve him. In 2006 he discovered a new Shakespeare play, but it's going to take a new generation to acknowledge it.

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