[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Kim Jong-un looking to get pudgy self fit
Apparently, fear of his dead father is resurfacing in a big way and has been keeping North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un up nights for well over a year now. The leader is said to be suffering from an ongoing bout of the vapors, leaving him feeling puny and out of sorts.
A recurring nightmare finds the North Korean leader face-to-face with his not-so-dead father who is taking the pudgy little tyrant to task for not being such a tyrant after all. It has been reported that Un wakes up every night drenched in sweat and screaming “I hate you, I’m sorry, I hate you, I’m sorry…” in rapid succession until his wife slaps him awake.
The nightmares are leaving the rotund leader unable to keep up with the propaganda machine he inherited from his father. Even taking the nickname Beloved Leader has not convinced Kim Jong-un nor his countrymen that he is, in fact, beloved or a leader.
Many speculate that the nightmares are directly linked to the controversy surrounding the Seth Rogen/James Franco satirical movie The Interview, the premise of which is an assassination plot on Un’s life. However, sources close to Un claim that simply isn’t true.
“At the rate these nightmares are coming, the supreme leader actually would welcome death over having to explain himself to his father one more night,” claim sources close to Kim Jong-un.
In fact, what really seems to trouble the leader is his feelings of inadequacy for not being able to measure up (physically and mentally) to the titles bestowed upon him, all of which intimate a deity-like presence.
“I cannot step into God’s shoes as easily as my father, Glorious General, Who Descended from Heaven,” Un is claimed to have revealed just moments before having his uncle executed for his (said uncle’s) inability to resemble anything remotely god-like, causing much embarrassment during one of North Korea’s most holiest holidays, Missile Launching Day.
Hoping to come close to that title, Kim Jong-un was advised by his personal physician to purchase a Chinese knockoff version of a Zumba tape in hopes that practicing a full hour of Zumba, or Kim-Ba as it is now known in North Korea, every night before going to bed may boost the dejected leader’s ego to one that may eventually rival that of his dead father.
Asked how this might be accomplished, the doctor could only surmise that, if done properly, Kim-Ba would calm Un, in addition to helping him lose weight, which, in turn, may possibly earn him the respect of his father during the aforementioned dreams, and help him become more than a mere supreme leader–something which has been weighing heavily on his mind ever since Un saw a bootleg version of Taco Bell’s television commercial touting the tastiness of the food chain’s supreme chalupa.
While his father went by many nicknames, some of which included Mastermind of the Revolution, Superior Person, and Brilliant Leader, Kim Jong-un has said more than once if he could just be called Regular Guy who Doesn’t Resemble a Dumpling, or even Supreme Chalupa, it would suit him just fine.
If all goes well, Kim-Ba might just be the exercise program that would make that happen for the pudgy little dictator, not to mention the entire country of North Korea, which it is hoped someday to be known collectively not as the Deluded Masses, but the Toned and Trim Deluded Masses.
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