CAC banner ad
WET River Trips
Humor Times subscribe

[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

‘Je Suis Frostie’ Movement Burgeons After Muslim Cleric Bans Snowmen

Jan 152015
 
 By , January 15, 2015

Three million gather on Boston Common to build snowmen giving Mecca the finger

BOSTON — Families throughout New England yesterday defiantly posted “Je Suis Frostie” signs in their windows and on the snowmen in their front and back yards, following an anti-snowmen fatwa issued by a Saudi Arabian imam, Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid.

snowmenThe “Je Suis Frostie” movement blew up spontaneously after the imam condemned snowmen as “anti-Islamic.”

The Koranic sage explained: “It is not permitted to make a statue out of snow, even by way of play and fun. Especially not then.” (Actually he didn’t say that last part, but it was clearly understood.)

Sheikh Mohammed went on to rule that anybody caught performing such obscene and horrific acts should be pelted into submission with snowballs “ripped mercilessly” from the snowmen.

As a further punishment — Allah had personally assured him of this — male offenders would be given only one used virgin in the afterlife. Female offenders would be that virgin. “And that’s snow joke,” he added, grinning.

But in Maine, Vermont and Massachusetts, a wave of angry opposition has brought families and householders into their front and back yards again, with fresh supplies of carrots, coals, top hats and hideous Christmas scarves not even the stores would take back.

Radio and TV stations are playing “Frosty the Snowman” nonstop. The song is heard constantly everywhere, interspersed with recorded messages from the New England Mayors Association advising anyone who doesn’t like snowmen or songs about snowmen, “to better hightail it outa town before the citizenry come for you with a rail and some tar. This is a public service announcement.”

On Boston Common, three million demonstrators built a gigantic Frosty the Snowman with its middle finger cocked towards Mecca. Reports from the scene say that there is nothing quite as terrifying as “Je Suis Frostie” chanted in a “Hahvahd Yahd” accent.

At the nearby places of worship of a well-known religion, which cannot be identified for reasons of editorial cowardice, cries of “[Name of God], be merciful!” greet each new broadcast round of “Frosty the Snowman.”

Heard mainly in its familiar Gene Autry version, the song’s pervasiveness has been likened to the cries of muezzins and defended on the same religious grounds by the owners of Hobby Lobby.

UPDATE: Humor Times correspondent Rumple Foreskin reports from Boston that the “Je Suis Frostie” crisis appears to have been resolved, following conference-call negotiations between the city and Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid.

“Oh, very well, then, have your abominable snowmen,” the imam apparently conceded, lifting the fatwa. “Just make sure your snow women are properly covered.”

The cleric did, however, proceed to ban this “blasphemous snowman” video:

The following two tabs change content below.
avatar
Michael was born in South Africa at the height of the apartheid era He quickly became involved in the underground resistance movement, knew Nelson Mandela and other prominent revolutionaries, some of whom later moved into privileged positions formerly occupied by whites. After several exciting escapes, he was forced to flee the country in disguise. He successfully made his way to the UK and gained his PhD at Cambridge on a university scholarship, He then pursued the dual career of college professor and social revolutionary, provoking academic and political mayhem wherever he went. Having thus failed miserably at both politics and education, he now cynically rails like Diogenes at the foibles of mankind in bitter satires and faintly subtly edgy political cartoons. History will, however absolve him. In 2006 he discovered a new Shakespeare play, but it's going to take a new generation to acknowledge it.

Like this content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!