[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“A selfie can make you feel like you’re somebody” – Dr. Sal Fee
Are you sad? All the time? Do you constantly wish you were someone else? Someone who is as happy as the people you see on TV?
You might have a classic case of what doctors call “failed existence syndrome.” And although it’s true you will never be any of the extremely successful, popular, wealthy, beloved, beautiful, clean, fragrant, dentally perfect A-listers, you can still have a small piece of their eternal happiness. A very very very…very small piece.
“A sliver of stardom is still stardom, is it not?” Dr. Sal Fee posed rhetorically. “Everyday people like you and I could never have all the happiness that celebrities possess. But if we can somehow mimic their lifestyle and actions in a small way then we can at least have a sliver of their happiness. That’s the beauty of social media.”
A leading psychiatrist and forerunner in this newly growing field, Dr. Sal Fee, has just released his new book entitled The Selfie-Worth Guide: “How to go from zero to pretty good in no time.”
“These perfect little snapshots are like small deposits into what I call ‘the bank of self-worth,'” Dr. Fee revealed. “If a person is a real goose egg, sorry, zero when it comes to life then all they have to do is join social media and, within hours, can increase their personal value exponentially.
“And that’s something solid too — something they can trust. I mean, why rely on feelings, which are fickle anyway, when you can rely on something that will be there forever — like Facebook?”
“I’ve tried all of the self-help books that are out there,” said one previously worthless individual. “Who knew that selfie-help was what I actually needed? And the results are amazing! I’m up to seven selfies a day and I feel like a million bucks! Sorry, doctor, I mean I feel like 455 selfies.”
We talked to another former walking disaster and he was just as surprised with the results.
“People told me my whole life that I was a waste of space,” he offered. “But it wasn’t until I realized I was one that I began to have hope. Thanks Dr. F!”
Latest posts by Jeff Boldt (see all)
- Doctors Recommend 3 Selfies a Day to Combat ‘Failed Existence Syndrome’ - January 21, 2015
- Bush Authorizes Renewed Air Strikes in Iraq - August 9, 2014
- 10 Step Guide: How to Win Facebook Friends and Influence Virtual People - July 18, 2014
Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!