[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

AZ Citizenship Test: Pride and (a Generous Serving of) Prejudice

Genuine exam questions from Arizona’s new citizenship test

Not long after being sworn-in, Arizona Republican Gov. Doug Douche signed a bill requiring the state’s high school students to pass the U.S.¬†naturalization test in order to graduate. According to the Comical Christian Science Monitor, the bipartisan effort makes Arizona the first state to enact such a protocol.

citizenshipAs to the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services informs us, along with being asked up to 10 questions from a list of 100, anyone applying for citizenship must first sing The Fresh Price of Bel Air theme song.

However, Arizona’s bill takes patriotism to new heights. It will also be a mandatory requirement for all students, even if they were not born on American soil.

“Similar to¬†showing a¬†love for guns and copious amounts of cheese, every new citizen must demonstrate comfort with important American facts,” spouted Josh Jingoist, a spokesman for EAPI, the Educate And Patronize Initiative,¬†a nonprofit pushing the test nationwide.

Securing American citizenship is not easy for those born outside the U.S. To offer just a snippet of what so many immigrants — and, now, the students of Arizona — must endure in order to get two thumbs up from Uncle Sam, here’s a sample self-test based on genuine exam questions.

You must answer at least six questions correctly to gain citizenship, otherwise you’re out on your ass:

citizenship1. What is the correct term for the twenty-seven percent of Americans who believe we never landed on the moon?

2. Name one thing that can stop the passing of a bill like no other?

3. In addition to a bad bladder, what kept Reagan up at night during the ‘second’¬† Cold War?

4. In the words of Gary Coleman, “What you talkin’ about, ___ ?”

5. What territory did the United States beg France to take back in 1804, a year after buying it from them?

6. Complete the saying: NFL justice is to justice what circus ___ is to ___

7. Colbert or Wilmore?

8. Identify the only good thing about Montana.

 

Answers:

1) Idiots; 2) A Republican; 3) The threat of Communism; 4) Willis; 5) The Louisiana territory; 6) music, music; 7) Colbert; 8) It has three times as many cows as it does people.

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John Glynn

John Glynn is an Irishman, a lover of Guinness and a potato connoisseur. An expert in the area of mediocrity, he one day hopes to own a decent coffee maker and visit SeaWorld Orlando.