[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Genuine exam questions from Arizona’s new citizenship test
Not long after being sworn-in, Arizona Republican Gov. Doug Douche signed a bill requiring the state’s high school students to pass the U.S. naturalization test in order to graduate. According to the Comical Christian Science Monitor, the bipartisan effort makes Arizona the first state to enact such a protocol.
As to the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services informs us, along with being asked up to 10 questions from a list of 100, anyone applying for citizenship must first sing The Fresh Price of Bel Air theme song.
However, Arizona’s bill takes patriotism to new heights. It will also be a mandatory requirement for all students, even if they were not born on American soil.
“Similar to showing a love for guns and copious amounts of cheese, every new citizen must demonstrate comfort with important American facts,” spouted Josh Jingoist, a spokesman for EAPI, the Educate And Patronize Initiative, a nonprofit pushing the test nationwide.
Securing American citizenship is not easy for those born outside the U.S. To offer just a snippet of what so many immigrants — and, now, the students of Arizona — must endure in order to get two thumbs up from Uncle Sam, here’s a sample self-test based on genuine exam questions.
You must answer at least six questions correctly to gain citizenship, otherwise you’re out on your ass:
1. What is the correct term for the twenty-seven percent of Americans who believe we never landed on the moon?
2. Name one thing that can stop the passing of a bill like no other?
3. In addition to a bad bladder, what kept Reagan up at night during the ‘second’ Cold War?
4. In the words of Gary Coleman, “What you talkin’ about, ___ ?”
5. What territory did the United States beg France to take back in 1804, a year after buying it from them?
6. Complete the saying: NFL justice is to justice what circus ___ is to ___
7. Colbert or Wilmore?
8. Identify the only good thing about Montana.
1) Idiots; 2) A Republican; 3) The threat of Communism; 4) Willis; 5) The Louisiana territory; 6) music, music; 7) Colbert; 8) It has three times as many cows as it does people.
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