[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘These baseless charges are highly unlikely,’ says Bill Cosby historian
NEW YORK — In a 1500-word op-ed published in the New York Times today, Jackie Stelnick, a New York socialite and five-year acquaintance of Bill Cosby, claims to have never been sexually assaulted by the 86-year-old comedian.
“Despite having been in his presence at least twice over the past five years, for some reason I was never raped, molested or even drugged by Bill Cosby,” wrote Stelnick.
Multiple sources have confirmed that Stelnick is young, attractive and indeed a member of the female sex, which only makes her assertions all the more surprising.
“We’re currently in the process of contacting Mr. Cosby and his lawyers in order to corroborate Ms. Stelnick’s fantastic story, and to learn how this could have possibly happened,” said New York State’s Attorney Jim Weiss.
At press time, Stelnick had received 3 texts from Bill Cosby asking to discuss things over a glass of wine at his place.
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