[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
No more deflated balls, please: UN Resolution calls on Americans to ‘Grow up, for God’s sake’
New York — A UN resolution, sponsored by a broad coalition of stupefied nations led by Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon, called upon the United States today to “grow up, for God’s sake, and stop with the stupid double entendres about deflated balls.”
The resolution cited 13,227 testicle jokes heard on American TV since 20 January, when the New England Patriots were accused of lightly but illegally deflating their footballs.
Accompanied by smirks, sniggers, giggles, nervous laughter, twisted smiles, rolled eyes and many a flushed cheek, single-entendre deflated ball jokes have become epidemic across the media. Also infected are words like wrinkled, soft, hard, touch, squeeze, handle and Tom Brady.
“It’s worse than the measles,” said UN Secretary-General, Ban Ki-moon, who initiated the resolution. “I’ve got to live here,” he said. “The whole of America needs to be vaccinated against this incredible childishness. And if it makes them autistic, so much the better.”
Among the most badly afflicted shows are Bill O’Reilly’s ‘No Spin Zone,’ The Rachel Maddow Show, Sean Hannity, most local and national TV news and almost every recent bulletin on ESPN. Rush Limbaugh’s daily references are so vulgar they cannot be reproduced here, though we can report that he blames President Obama for “the whole ball of wax, tee hee.”
According to media sexologist Dr Rude Beatenhoff, most students of American eroticism were surprised by the extent of the country’s infantile prudishness, “despite its recent ridiculous fascination with Kim Kardashian’s rear and Woody Allen’s pathetic sex life.”
Dr Rude added: “We thought the final line had been crossed with the iPad, what with all the smirky little references to Kotex and tampons. But evidently we were wrong. Americans seem stuck at about six-years old when it comes to sex.”
She added: “Yes, I suppose we are better than some. In certain parts of the world they’d probably cut them off. Sheesh, I just made a stupid ball joke myself. It’s so damn infectious.”
The only countries abstaining from the UN resolution are from the Middle East. Led by Saudi Arabia, they have offered an amendment denouncing all ambiguous language as contrary to Sharia law, punishable by the removal of the offender’s testicles by forceps, peace be upon them.
“Yeah, we’re gonna have a ball,” said the Saudi Arabian ambassador, “or two.” Then he swiftly crossed his legs. “Merciful Allah, I didn’t say that,” he moaned. “It was the Satanic radio.”
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