[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Edict inadvertently uncovers devil’s helpers working for Street’s firms
The New York Police Department was trying to protect Wall Street, but their order that no masks could be worn inadvertently helped reveal pawns of Satan working on the street today.
“We didn’t know, really, we just didn’t. Hey, we’re pretty low on the totem pole around here, even the Chief was unaware that actual employees of Satan worked in those offices!” shouted a visibly shaken Officer Joe Samuels, who worked the protests today and caught a glimpse of something “other-worldly, terrifying!”
“To be honest,” he said, “those — things — they scared the shit out of me!”
The police officer was referring to creatures seen all over Manhattan today, variously reported as “terrifying, horrifying, intimidating, devilish, hellish and infernal beasts.”
Mayor Michael Bloomberg immediately called a press conference after the creatures began appearing, and attempted to allay the fears of the citizenry. “I know it’s frightening,” he said, “but remember, these are not ordinary people. Think of what they have to do all day, every day: Lie, cheat, steal, ruin people’s lives just to make a buck. And they must constantly hide their ruthless, immoral, lawbreaking ways behind a mask — all just to earn a living. Try to have a little sympathy for the devil here.”
One of Satan’s helpers agreed to be interviewed for this article, but this reporter had to do it by phone, as his visage was just too horrifying for words, and a strange glow he emitted made it hard to read my notes.
I asked him how he and his kind had stayed hidden for so long. “It’s easy. When all your boss wants is results, and doesn’t care to know your methods, that’s where we excel. Hey, as they say, nice guys finish last. And that goes a hundred fold for the Street.”
Fine, that makes sense, I figured. Then I asked him what he thought would happen now.
“Oh, no problem,” he assured me. “Tomorrow, the news media will divert the nation’s attention to some celebrity’s accidentally exposed groin area, or another political scandal. They know what’s good for them, and besides, we own them. And, let’s face it, the nation’s attention span was long ago, shall we say, damned to hell.”
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