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Lost Journal: Care Enough to Send the Very Worst Valentines

Feb 132015
 By , February 13, 2015

Journal entry: February 13, 2011 (age 41) – Valentines

The following is a draft of a letter I’m sending to the human resources department at Hallmark:

Dear, Dear You:

I write some pretty sweet copy that you may want to use in your Valentine’s Day cards. Not that you need any help, you beautiful, resourceful human, you! Nonetheless, below is a sampling of the kind of content I would bring to the heart-shaped table in your writer’s bullpen. Just imagine if you or one of your customers opened a Valentine that said:

  • You smell like you know what you’re doing.
  • Will you be my… modern personification of a third-century priest who was beaten, clubbed, and beheaded for officiating at marriage ceremonies? It’s so romantic!
  • Sorry about springing that tone poem on you when you were driving.
  • When you die, I’m going to change one of the words to “Candle in the Wind” if I ever sing it at a karaoke bar.
  • I got you burnt sienna-colored roses, which symbolize blind terror.
  • If you were a faucet, you’d be the hot one. But until then, I guess it’s me.
  • I bet you have a huge dowry.
  • When we slow dance, I never pretend you’re Bristol Palin. Sometimes, I do pretend you’re Christina Hendricks from Mad Men. But she’s wearing your shoes.
  • Did you call in to the Delilah radio show last night? The complete jerk they talked about sounds a lot like me.
  • Shall I compare thee to a summer day? When I see you, I feel like I got hit by the ice cream truck. Plus, you’re warm.
  • Shall I compare thee to an intestinal bug? No?
  • I made this box of nougat myself.
  • Just remember – in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow, lies the seed that with the sun’s love becomes the pot.
  • You’re the Snookie to my The Situation.
  • If you were any prettier, this wouldn’t have happened.
  • Because of your deadly peanut allergy, please pay attention to the inside cover of this chocolate box, which shows where each type of candy is (probably) located. For best results, make sure the box isn’t rotated 180 degrees. Also, make sure you read this card before you start eating.
  • Do you like “The Piña Colada Song?” Aww, it’s you!
  • If you applied for a job as my girlfriend, you would probably get a second interview.
  • If I were gay, I would still experiment with you at camp.
  • Check the box below if you don’t want to be added to my mailing list for other offers of love and related products.
  • He Facebook likes you, but he doesn’t like you like you like I do.
  • If we lived at the zoo, I’d ask for the enclosure next to yours, even if you were a buffalo.

Sincerely and employably,

Dear, Dear Me

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Buy your copy of "Lost Journal - the Book" at Each Lost Journal column is a journal entry written in retrospect. In other words, Mollen chooses a different day from his past, and writes about it as though it were today. The date may be last week, Halloween 1980, or the day he was born (May 4, 1969). Some of you may be asking, “But how would he have been able to write a journal entry on the day he was born?” To you he says: “Lighten up. It’s a humor column.” Mollen is a nationally syndicated columnist and actor, and he is available as a speaker on writing and humor.

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