[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Forget the stingy, 88 minute trailer just put out, we got the real scoop on the new Disney Star Wars movie!
Our intrepid, rat-like reporters just got the biggest story of the whole millennium (and that includes the Millennium Falcon!) — we copped the script from the new Star Wars movie, still in production!
Here is a summary of the plot:
In a place long, long ago before even Walt Disney himself was born a galactic wide war ensued between the good people of the Light side of the Force and the bad people of the Dark side of the Force. While this has already been beaten to death in the first six episodes, Disney Corporation is good at raising the dead back to life, as evidenced by the Davy Jones locker characters from Pirates of the Caribbean.
The time is 30 earth years in the future from the first episode. (By this I mean the first episode ever put out, not the fourth episode which goes back in time to be before the real first episode. Now I know why nerdy people like the Star Wars series; they are the only ones who can figure out the sequences.)
We are back on Tatooine where the first movie started (the fourth one according to the new time sequence). Han Solo is in a home for retired space pilots suffering from a form of dementia that comes from having been carbon freeze dried by Jabba the Hut. The Millennium Falcon is in a junk yard owned by that flying bug guy from the fourth movie (the one that takes place before the first three movies).
The Wookiee is about to be executed because he got blamed for offing that Greedo guy in the first movie (the one that…oh forget it! Just try to follow along), who was really killed off by Solo. Chewbacca got the rap for it because of the natural prejudice human-like beings have for Wookiees and for creatures taller and stronger than themselves and are hairy in general.
C-3PO is a Parking Officer passing out tickets on tardy parked space vehicles. He constantly has problems because offenders are always pulling out the chip that shuts him off and flying away with it. R2-D2 takes drinks to bar patrons in that famous cantina at Mos Eisley from the first movie (I’m not helping you anymore with this). In the dingy back of the bar sits the old bartender who gazes at him and says irritably to his buddy “We used to kick droids like that out. Now we have ’em working for us!”
Princess Leia has become a nun in a Force convent and has hung up her famous dancing girl bikini outfit forever. Luke Skywalker is now a used X-Wing fighter salesman on Tatooine.
The story starts when the Dark Side of the Force takes form again on the Planet Pluto enslaved by Sith Lord Pluto (don’t tell me you didn’t see this one coming!), who is Overlord of the planet who is incensed that the Intergalactic Planet Commissions decision to downgrade Pluto from a planet to that of an asteroid, and has the intent of taking over the entire galaxy out of revenge. His servant is a bumbling sidekick even more irritating than Jar Jar Binks in the 4th (now the 2nd) movie named Goofy (you should have seen this coming too).
Luke has been suffering from a bipolar disorder in which both Obi-wan Kenobe and his father, Darth Vader are coming to him in dreams and in their spirit bodies enticing him to come over to their opposite polar sides of the Force, which really wrecks havoc with his sanity. Add to this the extra guilt factor of once having had the hots for his very own sister before he realized that she was his sister and you have a candidate for the mega-strap jackets put on patients of the nutso ward on Krinea, the planet of the marginally sane.
Leia, having also learned the secrets of the Force while in the convent and becoming the first female Jedi Master, learns of Pluto’s dire plots and goes to get Solo out of the retirement home. Solo eagerly dresses for battle although he accidentally puts on his Indiana Jones costume instead absentmindedly.
Let’s stop for a minute for a breather — are you following all this? OK, good. Continue on…
Leia and Solo pick up Luke who employs some of the young rocket mechanics from the used space ship yard to pilot some of the X-Wings to fight the Dark Side. They in turn find R2-D2 and C-3PO even though they are not needed for the story but Disney knows they will make a mint on the toy sales that will be generated from having them in the film. The reunited friends save Chewbacca from his death at the last minute by disguising themselves as bounty hunters (even though this was done in the third movie which is really the fifth now unless of course Disney decides to say this new installment happened before the other six which would mess with fans heads so much that they will start taking crack to deal with it) and freeing him from the hideous Hair Inversion Device that he is strapped to that will cause all his hair to immediately grow back into his body tickling him to death. With the Wookiee in tow they head for Pluto where they are incinerated in the first volley of laser shots from the planet which ends their contract fulfillment and allows Disney to introduce a whole new set of characters that will incredibly increase their merchandising sales.
The new heroes who come to battle for the Light side of the Force include a mermaid, a young man with a flying carpet, a hunchback, a beast who dresses in evening clothes, a lion king, a wise mouthed genie, a singing bear, a beautiful Indian maiden, Bambi and a large sized mouse (Oh come now! You had to know that one was going to be thrown in somewhere!) Unfortunately none of them know how to fly a spaceship so they have to borrow Buzz Lightyear from another studio to make their journey to Pluto.
Once there they engage the bad guys using as little graphic violence as possible while still utilizing light sabers, performing incredible acrobatics (especially the mouse character who must be as ancient as the pyramids, but then again wasn’t Yoda around 800 when he zipped around fighting Christopher Lee in the last movie?) and engaging in spectacular space ship battles all the while spewing exhortations about the superiority of their own particular brand of the Force. There is even a scene where Pluto says to Goofy, who has gone over to the Light side of the Force in the midst of the battle, “I am your father, Goofy!” which doesn’t have quite the impact that it did when Darth Vader said it to Luke in whatever episode it was (I am not even keeping track of it now myself.).
Eventually, as it must be in all Disney movies, the good wins out over the bad just for being good and the Dark side of the Force fan club must meet their fate. Whereas George Lucas would have had Pluto beheaded in one of the fight scenes, Disney, knowing that they need to have a villain for the next two sequels and that killing off one of their tried and true characters from the last 60 years would have a negative impact on their action figure sales, merely have him imprisoned in Jabba the Huts old compound, complete with those wild boar-like guards but minus that nasty, slobbering, mouthy thing that tried to eat Luke.
The movie ends wonderfully with all the good side of the Force characters together singing a song about how happy they are and how much they love each other and they go on to live happily ever after, or at least until they are ready to make the next sequel.
The end… maybe…
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