[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
With the ultimate iPhone plug-in, no thinking is needed!
In the latest cool trend to hit the streets, masses of young people are getting their iPhones installed right in their heads, where their brains used to be.
The popularity and 24-hour-a-day usage of Apple’s extremely popular gadget has brought about this new fad, which has taken the modern world by storm.
The surgical operation, which only takes a few hours, but is costly, rewires a persons nerves to interact with the small machine instead of the much weightier brain which is removed.
The advantages most teens feel they get from this is as multi-purposed as the machine itself. Downloaded tunes can be delivered directly to the ear (unfortunately this cuts out the fun of annoying other people with overly loud earphones), looking up bar opening times on the Internet just by picturing the place, watching videos projected on the back of the eyeballs and texting friends just by thinking of the words.
While one might imagine that having a computer installed into ones head would make one more intelligent a lot of families are reporting that their children instead seem to turn into unthinking mental zombies. Their every movement seems mechanical and lifeless and they are entirely out of touch with the world outside themselves, much like many people with iPhones that don’t have them implanted into their heads.
Meanwhile, other parents don’t notice any difference at all. “Sheila is just as bumble headed as she ever was,” stated Mrs. Gail Twitterhead from Des Moines, Iowa speaking of her daughter.
Unfortunately a few other disadvantages have been discovered — a fact that Apple strongly downplays as being unimportant. A glazed-over look appears on many people who have had them installed and they have a hard time concentrating on things going on outside themselves.
A major problem comes from the recipients walking out into traffic without looking and getting run over. Others seem to have an inability to read or to understand anything more complex than the standard ‘Hello’ that people say to them. Those watching long movies internally seem catatonic for hours. Those listening to music may break into spontaneous dance at any time, at work, in the cinema, in the middle of making love, during intestinal surgery.
Teachers claim that in class kids who have had the transplant done must have themselves plugged into a special computer that translates the information being taught directly into their phones via a USB drive mounted in their temples. This gives the kids the appearance of having sleeping sickness to the others in the class. Also the teachers sometimes forget to unplug the kids at the end of school and they spend the whole night sitting there with the danger of overheating and catching fire.
Concerned parental organizations are opposed to this new procedure and are trying to ban it. Given the money being made by Apple and brain surgeons throughout the U.S. they are encountering much opposition from these groups. The parental organizations feel that having I-phones installed in their kids heads could impede their mental and physical development and could interfere with things like their jobs and schooling. Apple officials have poo-pooed this idea saying that an iPhone in their heads would give them access to all the human knowledge possible. Parents retort “When do you think any kid under 22 is ever going to look up anything heavier than the latest gossip on their favorite hip-hop or movie stars?”
One problem that is proving especially difficult is when the battery of the iPhone runs down and needs to be replaced. We won’t go into the gory details.
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