[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Move follows Indiana and Arkansas ‘Right to Discriminate’ anti-gay ‘religious freedom’ legislation.
MOSUL, IRAQ – Knife-wielding ISIS spokesman Jihadi John announced today that his organization and Nigeria’s Boku Haram had filed a complaint against the USA in the International Court at The Hague, under the U.N.’s World Religious Freedom Resolution (1977).
The petitioners’ grievance alleges numerous breaches of their religious liberty and attacks on the free practice of their sincerely held beliefs. They cite in support the recent passage of the Religious Freedom and Restorations Act (RFRA) in Indiana and Arkansas, legalizing discrimination against gays and lesbians on religious grounds.
Similarly, John said, America’s bombing war in Syria was “a de facto infringement of our religious freedom. Can you imagine how difficult it is to bow to Mecca five times a day with bombs dropping all around you, not to mention keeping your prayer mats clean? So naturally we support governors Mike Pence and Asa Hutchinson, who are also under attack by the same secular Satanists.”
“After all,” John continued reasonably, “we are only trying to protect our right to believe whatever dangerous and vicious nonsense we like, just like Pence and Hutchinson.” He noted that front-running GOP presidential candidates Ted Cruz and Rick Santorum had also enthusiastically endorsed the measure, along with “dozens and even hundreds” of American citizens.
John pointed out that all ISIS and Boku Haram were doing was discriminate with theological justification against its own infidels, like the Kurds and Yazidis, who were, he noted, “no better than the limp-wristed. homonazis and sodomofascists Pence and Hutchinson have, well,” he hesitated, “cut off. “
“Same principle, different approach,” he clarified. “We recognize the Ayatollah in them both.”
John went on to note that “American evangelicals and ISIS are basically on the same page. Their actions are appropriate for their circumstances, as are ours. Like Mr Pence said on Sunday, tolerance is a two-way street. Can anyone say America is showing the slightest tolerance towards us?”
John added that ISIS’s Nigerian ally and co-petitioner, Boku Haram, was also merely “an African version of your southern Christian school boards.” He observed that “Bible-belt Americans don’t want their children educated in liberal values, and neither do we.
“Boku Haram closes down the schools, removes the students and provides them with the Koran. Your southern folk simply remove the text books and replace them with the Bible. We don’t see a difference. The intent and effect are the same.”
Jihadi John wound up by remarking that a time could well come when President Ted Cruz and the Islamic Caliphate collaborated internationally.
“After all, we both represent fundamentally the same thing,” he said.
Latest posts by Michael Egan (see all)
- Quote Marks Uproar Over ‘Abuse and Misuse’ by White House - March 14, 2017
- Trump Spox Accuses Rachel Maddow of Being in the Pay of MSNBC News - March 12, 2017
- Thousands of U.S. Citizens Swamp ICE, Demand Deportation - February 19, 2017
Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!