Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

The Rolling Stones going back on tour

When most people their age can only dream about being appointed to the Supreme Court.

Nigerian Goodluck Jonathan calls rival to concede defeat – APC

And, to announce his name change to ‘Shit Out of Luck Jonathan’

US court says school yoga does not violate religious freedom

I guess there’s no truth to it teaching Downward Facing Dogma

Happy 81st birthday, Jane Goodall

Even at 81, bet you still monkey around. Wink. Wink.

Top Former Bush administration official ‘heartened’ by Iran deal

Amazing. Not that they agree with the deal, but that any ex-Bush official has a heart.

Christian florist denies service to gays, not adulterers, because it’s a ‘different kind of sin’

Yup, it’s the sin of gays being better florists.

Republican ‘abstinence-only’ crusader’s 17-year-old daughter is pregnant

It could be worse. He could also be the father.

NFL to hire first female game official

No word if her job will include standing in front of the play blocking everyone watching on TV’s view.

Paris Hilton: ‘I inspired the Kim Kardashian brand’

C’mon, Paris, like there aren’t already enough reasons to dislike you.

3% decrease in California almond production would save as much water as completely shutting off water usage in SF

Yeah, but that would be really nuts.

Coroner: ‘Death of Andrew Getty appears natural or accident’

Look for coroner to be on the new show, ‘So You Think You Can Take A Stance?’

Obama plans first presidential trip to Kenya, father’s homeland

Donald Trump: ‘And, to visit his old high school.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)