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New Federal Dietary Guidelines for Dummies, by Dummies

Apr 062015
 
 By , April 6, 2015

‘Eggs Are Back’ – headline in TheAtlantic.com regarding new dietary guidelines

Previous Warning:
Limit cholesterol-laden eggs to one a week.

New Recommendation:
Substitute that low-sugar-no-pulp-no-flavor OJ with 16 ounces of eggnog each morning. Lunch: savor hollandaise club sandwiches on buttered brioche. Create mouthwatering dinner parties for friends with a menu of savory quiche and a side of frittata.

Federal Dietary Guidelines

Previous Warning:
Eschew artery clogging red meat—even though researchers have found that carnivorous diets fueled the development of human brains. Nonetheless, get your protein instead from legumes, tofu, and that weird stuff called tempeh that no one wants to eat or even knows exactly what it is.

New Recommendation:
Raise cattle in your backyard. Make a bonfire out of your vegan cookbooks.

Previous Warning:
Fatty meats clog your arteries until your heart explodes.

New Recommendation:
Paleo is the way to go. Ham hocks make unique stocking stuffers next Christmas.

Previous Warning:
Drink no more than three cups of coffee a day even though you will fall asleep at your desk by two PM.

New Recommendation:
Reduced guilt over your $35-a-day Starbucks habit.

Previous Warning:
Limit alcohol to six measly ounces of wine three times a week—even though it makes you less interesting and ruins your social life.

New Recommendation:
Feel free to swig bourbon or scotch straight from the bottle, especially during family gatherings.

Previous Warning:
Reversal of the food pyramid to 6-11 servings of bread, cereal, rice and pasta a day.

New Recommendation:
Join the gluten free cult.

Previous Warning:
Marijuana leads to heroin.

New Recommendation:
Move to Colorado. But stay away from cannabis candy—sugar is deadly. For now.

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Candy Schulman is a nationally recognized writer, professor and college essay coach. She has published hundreds of personal essays, humor pieces, and articles in leading print and online publications.

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  • PhyllisS

    Schulman reminds us that the best thing for our health is laughter!

  • Liane Kupferberg Carter

    “Join the gluten free cult.” Love it.