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Fun with the News: Bill Clinton and More

Oct 042011
 
 By , October 4, 2011
Fun with the News: Bill Clinton and More

President Obama was spotted golfing with Bill Clinton last week. The Democrats are yearning for a candidate with the best qualities of each man. Tiger Woods turned thirty-five last December but it’s not clear that the nation is ready to have a stripper as First Lady.

The House Oversight Committee asked the NFL why it’s taking so long for players to get tested for Human Growth Hormone. Congress needs patience. With every lineman in the league over three hundred pounds, the NFL is still looking for a test that isn’t accurate.

Boston Red Sox superstar pitcher John Lackey lashed out at reporters last week who asked him why he was divorcing his wife after she found out she’s got breast cancer. It’s certain to end up in court. He’s just been asked to be a character witness for John Edwards.

The New York Yankees hosted the Detroit Tigers at Yankee Stadium in the AL playoff Friday with game tickets two hundred dollars cheaper than last year. It’s the Tigers. The depression follows Detroit everywhere it goes the same way New Year’s follows Christmas.

Bank of America began charging its customers a five-dollar-a-month fee to use debit cards Friday to recoup lost debit card revenue due to a new federal law. So much for electronic transactions. It’s sure to return America to the system of checks and mattresses.

The Nobel Peace Prize committee in Oslo gave no clues Sunday as to the frontrunner for this year’s peace prize. It will be announced on Saturday. President Obama is out of contention for the prize but if he kills one more al-Qaeda leader he gets a free car wash.

Al-Qaeda leader Anwar al-Awlaki was killed by a CIA-fired drone missile on Friday in Yemen. He was born in the U.S. while his Yemeni parents were in the country temporarily. Republicans are joyful that President Obama’s finally getting tough on illegal immigration.

The New York Post reported that U.S. Capitol staffers filed a record number of sexual harassment suits. It shows that high salaries, permanent job security, and great health care is not enough for some people in this recession. They want a million dollars per grope.

Florida moved up their presidential primary to the end of January on Friday, sending campaigns into scramble mode. It boosts tourism. Florida needs a January presidential primary to lure tourists now that Sea World no longer allows the whales to eat the trainers.

Michelle Obama smiled for photographers as she shopped at Target Thursday. The Secret Service had to secure the store before she arrived. They worked furiously to remove the ice cream and French fries from the snack bar that’s always been out to get her.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie tied President Obama in the polls Friday. It prompted the Democrats to begin speculating about his weight. It’s not true that if Christie’s elected president he will move the presidential retreat from Camp David to Hershey, Pennsylvania.

President Obama’s former official Van Jones promised MSNBC Friday that he is going to organize liberal street protests to counter the Tea Party this fall. He predicted an American Fall that’s just like the Arab Spring. If we fall any further we’re going to hit China.

China launched its first space lab module Friday in a first step toward China’s space station. The country plans to send an astronaut to the moon in eight years. China can only dream of all the basketball jerseys they’ll sell on a planet where everybody can dunk.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.