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EXCLUSIVE: Interview with Mrs. Tsarnaev, Mother of the Boston Bombers

Apr 132015
 
 By , April 13, 2015

Boston Bombers mother speaks her mind

Humor Times – Good day, Mrs. Tsarnaev! Thank you for agreeing to do this interview with us.

130427232416-zubeidat-tsarnaev-story-bodyMrs. Tsarnaev – You should be thankful, you American sensationalist pig.

HT – Um… well, that gets things off to a rousing start! As long as we are on the subject, why did your family come to America?

Mrs. Tsarnaev – We came here to experience the American Dream.

HT – Oh, you mean experiencing freedom and the opportunity to make your lives better?

Mrs. Tsarnaev – No, just to make oodles of cash so that we will look big to our families back home and to have lots of stuff to show off to them.

HT – I see. Did you find your experience here in America meet your expectations?

Mrs. Tsarnaev – No. We made some money but we did not get all America to convert to Islam so that it would be more comfortable for us living here. Also there is too much freedom.

HT – Oh, like what?

Mrs. Tsarnaev – All women should wear a kerchief in hair and long dresses. The men should all have beards.

HT – You mean like the Amish?

Mrs. Tsarnaev – They got it half right. They have the beards and kerchiefs but they got the religion all wrong. It is a shame that people who have those two things right should still be going to Hell.

HT – I have seen a photo of you before you left Russia and you had a mod hairstyle, wore lipstick and low cut dresses.

Mrs. Tsarnaev – That was before I found Allah.

HT – You had to come to America to find Allah?

Mrs. Tsarnaev – You think I would find him in Russia? With Putin as President?

HT – Good point! But it is OK to commits acts of violence?

Mrs. Tsarnaev – If they are infidels who do not believe in the the Great Book, yes! Somehow we have to make the world pure for Allah!

HT – Do you think that Allah needs help with that?

Mrs. Tsarnaev – It is more fun if we help him.

HT – Do you think it was better for your sons growing up in the U.S. than it was in Russia?

Mrs. Tsarnaev – What difference? Here they blow up white infidels or there they blow up white infidels. Same thing to us.

HT – So you admit that your sons intentionally blew up a crowd of people watching the Boston marathon?

Mrs. Tsarnaev – (Her voice raises to an intolerable screech) WHAT YOU THINK I SAY, PAWN OF SATAN? YOU NO HEAR SO GOOD!! I SAY AGAIN, MY BOYS INNOCENT!!!!

HT – (He rubs his ears to get the hearing back again) I certain don’t after that air raid siren!

Mrs. Tsarnaev – This all American plot to kill my sons! America set off Boston bomb, not my sweet young boys!

HT – So what you are saying is that your sons were just innocent bystanders being framed by an America that wants to kill its own people for no reason?

Mrs. Tsarnaev – Ahh! Now you hear much better!

HT – You mean that American officials set up two bombs at the end of the race to purposely kill our own citizens just to frame your boys?

Mrs. Tsarnaev – Yes! Now you hear real good!

HT – Madam, that is absolutely absurd! How could you even think of such a thing?

Mrs. Tsarnaev – It not hard when you already demented!

HT – No one here would ever do that!

Mrs. Tsarnaev – Just like American government blow up Trade Center on 911!
HT – That is sheer nonsense!

Mrs. Tsarnaev – And they assassinate Yassar Arafat! And they Mrs Bhutto in Pakistan! And Nasser! And Mohamed himself!

HT – Ma’am, America didn’t even exist at the time of Mohamed!

Mrs. Tsarnaev – I am sure they found a way!

HT – Mrs. Tsarnaev, you are psychotic!

Mrs. Tsarnaev – It is OK to be psychotic for Allah! There is nothing written against it in the Koran! Besides, look how many crazy people work for ISIS and Al Queda! A whole movement can’t be wrong! How else could they get anything accomplished?

HT – Well, ma’am, all I can say in closing is thank you for sharing your diseased spawn with us!

Mrs. Tsarnaev – You are very welcome!

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Roger Freed has a fertile, if somewhat warped, imagination. Read him at your own risk! More laugh gaffes available at Semi-Humorous Humor. For something in a more serious mode get "The Book Of Songs" by Roger Freed from Lulu.com. A collection of short stories illustrating the subtle and powerful influence music can have on our minds and our spirits.
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