[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
When Americans learned that Abraham Lincoln started the federal income tax, all hell broke loose.
Upon reading an article in a national newspaper stating that Abraham Lincoln was the one responsible for starting federal income tax, angered Americans across the country began a hate campaign against all memorabilia of the formerly beloved President.
Mobs in Washington D.C. went after the Lincoln Memorial with sledge hammers and axes this morning, rendering the huge statue legless after a couple hours. One attacker, particularly adept at climbing, managed to amputate Lincoln’s rather protuberant nose with a ball peen hammer.
In Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania thousands massed downtown to melt down pennies bearing his image into a molten mass of featureless copper. This was then pushed into the Allegheny River where it sizzled its way to the bottom.
A museum in honor of the Civil War President in Springfield, Illinois was burned to the ground by masked attackers at night wearing KKK style hoods. It was noticed that the public hatred of the man was so great that some of the hooded individuals where black.
In 1862, Lincoln created the Commissioner of Internal Revenue to assess and collect an income tax to support the Union war effort. The Commissioner had the power to seize property and income and to prosecute those not forking over their dough. This discovery of this historic truth has especially given the tax smitten in the South the incentive to rise again.
The outing of Lincoln as being the creator of the much reviled income tax burden came at the worst time possible — early April when many are slogging through their papers and tax sheets trying to get the tortuous filing done before the 15th of the month deadline.
This mind-destroying process, coupled with the added stresses of low wages, mass unemployment and a slow to recover economy, has set many Americans over the brink of their tolerance. Quite a few are not hesitating to express their loathing for the man who created their torment.
A huge gang of citizens of Denver, Colorado attacked the mint where five dollar bills are printed, bearing the image of the “___ President of the United States.” They burned piles of the money they found inside, although it must be noted that some were not truly quite so incensed were also stuffing the notes in their pockets.
The outrage got so great that disgruntled Navy Seals secretly made their way up Mount Rushmore at night and bomb blasted the Lincoln visage there into marbles. The Seals successfully got the stunt blamed on an American branch of ISIS.
The mass hysteria has gotten to such a peak that even people just named ‘Lincoln’ are being attacked.
Police summoned to these incidents were often strangely tolerant of the destruction, even though lately it has become common policy among law officers to use such opportunities to try out their baton, taser and handgun skills on the rowdy crowds.
Instead, this time they seemed to be in tune with the spirit of the rabble-rousers, the officers themselves having also spent a large part of their off hours pulling their hair out trying to figure out how much they owned Uncle Sam in income tax.
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