[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘We’ll see Hillary’s $2.5B and raise it $5B,” Charles Koch laughed, opening his small-change purse.
WASHINGTON, DC – Hillary Clinton’s recent vow to raise $2.5B in campaign funds to match the GOP’s donors was greeted with skepticism and amusement among the big-money men yesterday.
“First of all, we run 99% of the economy,” laughed Charles Koch, co-owner with his brother David of the GOP. Recently, the two purchased Wisconsin governor Scott Walker to head up their PR department. “So we’ll see her two-point five,” he went on, “and raise it another five billion!”
Lighting a cigar with a five-dollar bill, Koch added: “You think we’re bluffing? Go ahead and call our bet.” He puffed and then blew out the flame. “Or better yet, raise it. Do you peasants seriously expect to outspend us? For every little five you throw in” — he tossed his own charred Lincoln into the trash — “we’ll come up with another 20, 40, a hundred, and hardly notice it.”
Koch pointed out that the media will never seriously support campaign financial reform because in the end they get most of the billions spent. “Besides,” he added, “we own almost all the TV, radio and newspaper companies – well, Rupert does, which is the same thing.”
In addition to having endless reserves of contributable cash, or “bribes,” as he unabashedly described them, Koch noted that his family and friends also control the law and the country’s most powerful institutions.
“Obviously we own Congress, the Senate and the Supreme Court,” he observed. “So no matter what twisted interpretation of the Constitution suits our purpose, we’ll get a chorus of voices in support, plus a 5-4 SCOTUS majority confirming it.
“God, I love Clarence Thomas. He’s such a whore.”
Koch said, however, that it was “extremely frustrating” for Big Money to be cheated out of the presidency time and again.
“Despite our huge advantages,” he said, “there remains a stubborn majority of Americans who simply refuse to vote against their own interests and that of the country. No matter how much we spend on lies, untruths, innuendos, stupid sneering jokes, factual distortions and personal attacks, damned if they don’t just keep voting the wrong way. David, Donald, Sheldon and I, and all our flunkies in Congress, we all agree, something must be done.”
Charles Koch said that despite blatant GOP gerrymandering, limiting voting hours and locations, and requiring special IDs, etc., enough of the electorate keeps choosing “socialist Marxist Muslim terrorist foreigners – and now maybe even a woman!” — to be president. It simply has to be stopped, he said.
A “strong sentiment” was growing among the one-percent, Koch noted, that the problem is Democracy itself. Exactly who “We the People” really are needs to thoroughly re-examined by the Supreme Court, and an appropriate redefinition established.
“The notion of three-fifths of a person, for example, which is among the Constitution’s most cherished originalist principles, needs to be revived,” said Koch. Though this might cut the Supreme Court’s conservative majority to four and three-fifths, “that should still be enough,” he said.
Already Fox News was floating the idea of a qualified franchise. Mighty intellects like Ann Coulter, George Will and Sean Hannity were advocating “information tests” to weed out the ignorant. Anyone, for example, who thought there were no death panels under the slavery of Obamacare would be instantly disqualified.
“And then we one-percenters will finally be able get what we don’t already have,” Koch said ecstatically.
When asked what that could possibly be, he stared around the room for a moment and then said, “More. Just more.”
To this reporter, Charles Koch looked and sounded exactly like a Bond villain planning to take over the world.
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