[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“I will drive out mine enemies with the jaw bone of an ass!” Tom Cotton whinnies on national TV.
WASHINGTON, DC – Inspired by Bruce Jenner’s recent transgender revelation, Tea Party favorite Sen. Tom Cotton (R-AR) acknowledged on Sunday’s Face the Nation that he is “in fact and reality, a great, big, blithering jackass.”
The hee-hawing senator added that despite a life-long struggle to conceal the truth, he could no longer deny something increasingly apparent to an incredulous world.
Adjusting his newly exposed hairy ears, Tom Cotton noted that an outstanding example of what he called his “incurable jackasshole-iness” was the advice he recently offered to US gays. They should be grateful, he brayed, that in the USA they’re only discriminated against in restaurants, pizza parlors, marriage, Federal law and states like Indiana and his own Arkansas.
“I mean, in Iran they hang ’em,” he pointed out, with a lip flubber. “Christian bigots just discriminate socially — which means no marriage or pizza pies for you! Hey, did you like my Soup Nazi impersonation? What a jackass I am!”
Cotton went on to observe that some people think that “like most senators” he is simply about money, power and lots of extra-marital sex.
“But in reality,” he hawed, “I’m just a mindless jackass with barely controlled homicidal tendencies. Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb-bomb Iran,” he brayed again, nodding in the direction of fellow equine idiot, John McCain.
Referring to his most famous stupidity, the letter from 47 Republican senators to Iran’s ayatollahs, Cotton whinnied: “A nuclear bomb on Tehran will be a cake walk — fried cake! After a few days of decontamination, the survivors, if any, will greet us as liberators.
“Then we’ll kill their remaining leaders and convert the rest of the population to Christianity, just like that bitch Ann Coulter recommended – using the b-word in its most literal sense only, of course. Ann has an inner sausage-dog rather than a jackass, though the effect is much the same.”
Sen. Tom Cotton went on: “Fortunately the Iranians have lots of jackasses and sausage-dogs too. Besides, Our Savior journeyed to Bethlehem on an ass — albeit traveling business class — and mighty Samson drove out the Philistines with the jaw bone of a Biblical quadruped.
“I too shall drive out mine enemies with the jaw bone of an ass!” he yawped.
Cotton noted that several of his GOP colleagues also possess “raging inner jackasses,” though Rick Perry, Ted Cruz and Rand Paul were more like night crawlers. The only exception, Cotton said, was Sen. Lindsey Graham.
“In his case,” Cotton snorted, “it’s a jenny ass. Don’t you think he’s cute with his little ‘hee-haw, y’all’ ? Since he’s also running for president he could face Hillary on her own gender terms. He’s certainly prettier.”
“God, what a jackass thing to say,” he laughed, relieving himself in a long yellow stream. “See? I’m a natural.”
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