[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘The racism is so bad, we should just let those miserable bastards go, and we can unite with Canada’ – Abraham Lincoln
HEAVEN’S GATE – The ghost of President Abraham Lincoln said today that he now regrets having fought so hard to save the Union, because the ingrained racism will never die. Mr Lincoln was speaking from the studios of CBS Paradise via GoogleSeance™ satellite technology.
“Let’s face it, Reconstruction turned out to be a sham,” he said. “My assassination and the crooked election of 1876 gave the racists all they needed to bring everything back through the kitchen door. And they did, until the Civil Rights movement.”
[Ed. note: In 1876, Republican Rutherford B. Hayes lost to Democrat Samuel J. Tilden. In a backroom deal, however, he became president anyway, after agreeing to keep the Feds out of Southern politics, thus ushering in the era of Jim Crow.]
Mr Lincoln said that despite the gains of the 1960s, southern whites today still view black men and women as loose slaves who need to be beaten or lynched. “Scratch a white southerner,” he said, “and you’ll find Cliven Bundy.”
The former president added that lately the racists, corporatists and Christian hypocrites had successfully rolled back many New Deal and Great Society programs while re-injecting “the fetid cancer of of their vicious racism into US politics.”
“Only the technology has changed,” Honest Abe honestly observed. “In my day, they strung up black men from the nearest tree. Now they just gun them down in the street and laugh mercilessly over the dying.
“‘Fuck your breath,’ remember that? In heaven, the angels are still weeping.”
Mr Lincoln said that Americans should recognize that the Union had irredeemably failed. New England and most of the west coast states like California should allow the south’s racists “to take their bloody flag and cook themselves to death in a cauldron of their own steaming violence and xenophobic hatred. You can bet the blacks, Jews and Catholics will hurry north in droves, leaving those barely human animals no one to hate or kill except themselves.
“I say, let ’em shoot each other down in the streets while praying to Jesus. Up here that’s one of our sickest jokes, let me assure you.”
The former president said that “the civilized part” of the old USA should seek a union with Canada instead. The new country might call itself Canadia.
“After all they’ve got lots of snow, the aurora borealis and Rob Ford! Besides, we could all use a bit of that British politeness,” he said, with his characteristically mournful smile. “Eh?”
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