[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
CAPS on immigration: It’s to blame for everything bad
Californian’s for Population Stabilization (CAPS) have followed up their recent claim that California’s water shortage is due to the overabundance of immigrants to California and their high fertility rates, that are skyrocketing the state’s population. In a grim prediction, they have now warned that unless stern measures are taken to stop illegal immigration, California will be inundated by ever increasing earthquakes.
CAPS spokesperson Joe Guzzardi called an emergency press conference and offered this prepared statement:
The thousands of illegal immigrants marching across the desert into California are changing the topography forever. The stamping of their feet across these wide open spaces where the earth is normally free of any movement other than an occasional desert tortoise is forever changing the natural balance. The tramping of these hordes sets vibrations in motion that will waken forces that these uninhabited areas keep in check, sending ripples of movement that will trigger earthquake faults throughout the state. If action is not taken soon to stop this deadly force, California is facing Armageddon.
When asked for some scientific validation for his claims, he answered that there was a pattern in the nation of a correlation between increased immigration and an increased frequency of natural disasters. He cited the increase in the ferocity of hurricanes since the Cuban influx into Florida, and friends from his hometown in the Midwest noting the increase in the number of tornadoes as immigrants poured into the state.
“Who knows,” he continued, “immigration may be the real cause of global warming.”
Diane de Anda
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