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[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

FIFA: From Greed and Power to a Prison Shower

May 282015
 By , May 28, 2015

Partying FIFA officials rudely interrupted

Cyndi Lauper’s Girls Just Want To Have Fun at full volume, over-the-top displays of bromance, playful pillow fights — just a regular night for FIFA officials. However, the party atmosphere was rudely interrupted when six football officials were arrested over corruption charges at a strip club in Zurich, Switzerland, early Wednesday morning.


No word yet on whether imprisoned FIFA officials would be allowed to play football, and if so, whether or not they would be unceremoniously stomped by other prisoners during the game.

The suspects, reportedly accepting bribes worth about $100m over two decades, have been detained pending extradition to the US. If found guilty, rather worryingly for the six officials, they face up to 20 years in United States Penitentiary Administrative Maximum Facility, situated in Florence, Colorado.

Referred to as “Hell on Earth” by current inmates, this penitentiary is a prime example of the USA’s Supermax facility obsession.

Initially, much to the dismay of may American taxpayers, designers wanted to decorate the prison with furniture from Urban Outfitters, however, they eventually opted to go with good old cement. Everything — and I mean everything — in the cell is made out of cement, even the bed.

Commenting on the arrests, Pele, the spokesman for erectile dysfunction, said, “Laser beams, vicious dogs and pressure pads surround the area between the 12-foot fence and the hideous facility. 99% of the 500+ inmates spend 23 hours a day locked in solitary confinement, I hope the officials are prepared for a rough time, quite literally.”

FIFA members were preparing themselves for their annual meeting on May 29th, where Danny DeVito double Sepp Blatter is seeking a fifth term as president.

The New York Times says plain-clothed police officers stormed the club where the officials were partying, and rounded them up like sheep. According to the newspaper, although Mr Blatter was not wanted by the police, he ran to the bathroom and climbed out the window, hopping on his moped to speed away.

Jeffrey Webb, nicknamed The Spider, the president of CONCACAF and FIFA vice president, was one of the six arrested. Other officials escorted by police from the club include:

Eduardo Li, a Costa Rican and FIFA’s leading party planner, Eugenio Figueredo of Uruguay, the president of South American football governing body CONMEBOL, and Brazil’s Jose Maria Marin, a member of FIFA’s aptly named Shady Dealings committee.

“We’re struck by the blatant disregard shown by the FIFA representatives,” said a law enforcement official. “It seems like this corruption was institutionalized, but you know what else is institutionalized… tough love in prison, those boys better not drop the soap.”

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John Glynn

John Glynn is an Irishman, a lover of Guinness and a potato connoisseur. An expert in the area of mediocrity, he one day hopes to own a decent coffee maker and visit SeaWorld Orlando.

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