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[Disclaimer: This article is a "fake news" piece. Proceed at your own risk!]

The FBI is Watching YOU

Jun 042015
 By , June 4, 2015

FBI surveillance planes now dot the skies over America

On the network’s 3 a.m. show, aptly named Pink Eye, Fox News panellists recently discussed conspiracy theories. “High tech helicopters in the sky, it’s like something out of The X-Files, albeit a pretty poor episode,” said Joanne Nosuchinsky, the co-host of the show famed for the exploration of random topics and partisan, political views.

FBIStanding in for Andy Levy who, ironically enough, is suffering from a severe bout of pinkeye, Stephen Baldwin, the outspoken Christian conservative weighed in, “How is the domestic intelligence and security service of the United States doing this? Well, as we speak, the FBI is responsible for operating a fleet of secretive surveillance planes across the U.S. The operation is very mysterious, it’s camouflaged by fictitious companies. Really Big Corporation of America, Deep Space Sprockets, Willy Wonka Industries, believe it or not, all three are fronts for the government.”

An outraged Baldwin continued, “The FBI is flying these planes over major American cities, collecting data on you, the general public. Aircrafts carry equipment that tap into personal information, we’re talking about identity, location, your Tinder profile, even your highest score on Angry Birds Star Wars. A great game, by the way, well worth checking out.”

“How is the FBI justifying the operation, Stephen?” asked Nosuchinsky.

“Well, Joanne, according to Tim Allen, not the actor known for his role in the beloved sitcom Home Improvement, an FBI spokesman, these aircrafts are a necessary evil. Most recently, during the Baltimore riots, for example, the feds operated surveillance aircraft at the request of the Baltimore Police Department. However, it was a bit of a disaster, especially when one of the planes fell from the sky and burst into flames, badly injuring a young mother of seventeen children.”

“Who is to blame, Steven?” asked an eager looking Nosuchinsky. Slamming the table in absolute fury, the family member Alec Baldwin never discusses replied, “Two words, ‘President Obama.’ He’s the man pulling the strings. The sooner we get a level headed man like Ted Cruz into power, the better.”

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John Glynn

John Glynn is an Irishman, a lover of Guinness and a potato connoisseur. An expert in the area of mediocrity, he one day hopes to own a decent coffee maker and visit SeaWorld Orlando.

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